Egads — my Obama mask is suffocating me.

Don’t mask makers know that people have to breathe?

Anyway, if you read this week’s Ticket, you hopefully saw our cover story on monster grudge matches. Because, really — it’s important for you to know if the Blob can kick Jabba the Hut’s butt. (He can, by the way.)

While we had some good pairings there, we didn’t have space to declare an ultimate winner. So I’m taking the story a step further here and putting forth the Monster Mash Tournament, where I pit the winners against each other. So let’s start with:

ROUND TWO:

* Chucky v. the Munsters. Herman Munster has about six feet on Chucky, but the little bugger cheats when he disguises himself as Eddie Munster and opens a can of Whoop — well . . . you know.

Winner: Chucky

* Moby Dick v. The Blob.

The Blob easily handled the lower seeded Jabba the Hut in the opening round and has equally little problem with the shark from Jaws. Despite Moby’s intellect and size, though, the Blob just keeps getting bigger and bigger (He’s been known, after all, to consume diners and bowling alleys.). In fact, friends politely suggest he go on a diet, but he tells them he just loves food. 

Winner: Blob

* Jack the Ripper vs. Cujo.

Man usually doesn’t fare well against killer animals. But this is Jack the Ripper — the guy has tools. Cujo starts out strong, but in the end, Jack lops off his tail, which causes Cujo to go insane when he tries to chase his tail.

* Vampires and zombies vs. Monster of Piedras Blancas.

The Monster pulled off a huge upset when he defeated the Creature from the Black Lagoon in Round One. In fact, some say it was rigged. So he goes down easily to vamps and zombies, who tied in the first round and forged a Coalition of the Undead.

Winner: Zombie/vampire duo

ROUND THREE: 

* Chucky v. the Blob.

It doesn’t matter how often Chucky stabs the Blob — he’s the Blob. He swallows Chucky and doesn’t even notice because he’s too busy swallowing Poukeepsie, NY.

Winner: Blob

* Jack the Ripper v. Vampires and zombies.

Jack’s a bad dude and all, but no mere mortal can resist the evil of vampires and zombies.  Except after he dies, Jack becomes a zombie and joins the team.

CHAMPIONSHIP

* Blob v. Vampires, zombies and Jack the Ripper zombie

By this time, the Blob has grown to huge proportions, and, frankly, it makes it hard to climb stairs without getting winded. Meanwhile, the vampire/zombie/Jack team has been working hard on expanding their own base. Plus, they rented “Beware! The Blob” on Netflix, so they know all you have to do is freeze the Blob and he’s useless. So they rent a snow machine. After the victory, they all celebrate by hosting a snow boarding party. 

Winner: Vampires/zombies/Jack

Wow. That was fun. If you’ve decided you just can’t get enough grudge match, check out the campaign ad Grudge Match between me and Danny, this other guy I work with. While Danny implies (wrongly, I should add) that I’m a terrorist, my provocative video sheds light on Danny’s nefarious ways.

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I think it’s interesting how the literary world views Stephen King.

Some think he’s a trashy supermarket novelist who writes about monsters. Yet, many respected universities actually teach King, treating him like another Edgar Allan Poe.

No matter how you see it, you can’t deny King is the most popular novelist of our day. And no other author — except for, say, Shakespeare — has had a greater impact on movies.

In fact, there are currently six films being made based on King books.

While there have certainly been many bad ones (Think “Hearts in Atlantis”), the ones that stay true to the original source tend to be quite good.

As we debate the best King adaptation in this week’s Grudge Match, I’ve decided to take it one step further, naming my Top Ten Stephen King Book-to-Movie Adaptations. Here goes:

10.) “Cujo”

After this movie was made, people didn’t look at dogs the same way. In fact, 25 years later, if a canine looks intimidating, we still say, “Whoa — easy, Cujo!”

9.) “The Running Man”

In 1987, the idea of a guy competing for his life on a TV show seemed a little out there. But after some of the reality shows we’ve had in recent years, it no longer seems so far fetched.

8.) “It”

This wasn’t bad for a TV mini-series. The build-up was nice, and, of course, the clown gave you the creeps.

7.) “The Stand”

This one almost needed to be a mini series (which it was) in order to do justice to King’s tome on mankind’s final stand.

6.) “Pet Semetary”

Proving that little kids can be really creepy, this one proves why it’s sometimes good to let sleeping dogs lie.

5.) “Misery”

Terrific performances by James Caan and Kathy Bates, proving that movies don’t need monsters to be scary.

4.) “The Shining”

King didn’t like some of the changes director Stanley Kubrick made for the cinematic version of his book (which he later had remade into a TV movie), but I gotta side with the director on this one. And who better to play a crazy axe murderer than Jack Nicholson?

3.) “Green Mile”

Some of King’s non-horror stories are his best. When you hear Fred Astaire’s “Cheek to Cheek,” how can you not shed a tear?

2.) “Shawshank Redemption.”

The film managed to preserve the great characters and most of the key plot points King created for this novella. This came from the book “Different Seasons,” which also included “The Body,” which was named “Stand By Me” when adapted for film.

1.) “Stand By Me”

This is when Rob “Meathead” Reiner finally got some respect. As a director, he made a terrific adaptation of King’s novella about a group of boys out to find a dead body. When you think “coming-of-age tale,” this one has to pop into your mind.

Photo: www.stephenking.com

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