She Likes to Watch

Finally, there’s a word for it.

I’m talking about that annoying thing that Mariah Carey does. That spasmodic vocal filler that seems mandatory for “American Idol” contestants. That thing hack singers
do to stand out because they can’t actually write songs.

It’s called melisma.

I know, I know. It sounds scary. As in:

“Oh, man — did you hear about Alvin? The doctor told him his melisma’s back.”

OK, so it’s not that bad. But I will say this: You don’t want to encounter a bad case of melisma.

According to this NPR story melisma is the “musical art of creating a run of many notes from one syllable.” If you’re still not sure what it is, picture Christina Aguilera waving her hand and singing something that sounds like: “Whoa-ooo-whoa-ooo—whoa-whoa-whoa-yeaaah.” And then picture her continuing with: “Oooooo-woooo, whoa-whoa-oooo whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa.” And then picture me yelling, “GIVE IT A REST, CHRISTINA!!!”

Because, you know, I like to yell at celebrities who can’t actually hear me. (“That’s right, Leno — you heard me!”)

While “American Idol” reminds us how bad melisma can be, the NPR piece assures us that melisma isn’t always grating. In the U.S., it first became popular in African-American churches. And many popular artists have actually employed the device with success.

In fact, you can kind of rate melisma based on the artist.

Aretha Franklin: Good.
Celine Dion: Bad
Stevie Wonder: Good
Whitney Houston: Awful.

I mean, really, really awful. But Mariah Carey is probably the worst melisma culprit. When I hear her trill to the brink of convulsions, I let out a guttural groan before realizing that this is my punishment for watching too much television.

So as you’re gearing up for the “American Idol” finale, pay special attention to the use of melisma. And when the next winner gets a record deal, writes a cook book and eventually performs at the Mid-State Fair’s main stage, don’t blame today’s youth for the current wave of bad music. Because, you know,
bad melisma didn’t come overnight.

—Pat P.