She Likes to Watch

They just don’t make ‘em like “Army of Darkness” anymore.

Directed by Sam Raimi, it’s the final film in the funny, gory “Evil Dead” trilogy.

In “The Evil Dead” and “Evil Dead II,” unsuspecting kids stumble upon an abandoned cabin in the woods and unleash an unholy power.

When the long-suffering Ash (Bruce Campbell) tries to stop the evil forces, however, he gets sucked into a time vortex and deposited in 1300 AD.

“Army” picks up where “Evil Dead II” left off, as Ash — hailed as the “Hero from the Skies” — is forced to defend humankind from a horde of decaying corpses.

Although some folks claim that “Army” isn’t as funny or gory as its “Evil Dead” predecessors, I have to disagree. It’s got slapstick comedy, am oh-so-quotable script, and a simply priceless storyline: a 20th century supermarket clerk battling zombies in the Middle Ages.

Did “Evil Dead” inspire a hit comic book series? I think not.

So listen up, you primitive screwheads. Here are just a few reasons that “Army of Darkness” totally rules.

Bruce Campbell

It’s common knowledge that Sam Raimi tortures his actors.

As Campbell details in his autobiography, “If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B Movie Actor,” he endured vicious heat and cold, uncomfortable makeup and props, and ridiculously difficult fight scenes to make “Army of Darkness.”

Campbell survived — somehow — to become a B-movie superstar.

The Oldsmobile

As faithful fans know, Sam’s 1973 Oldsmobile Delta shows up in nearly every Raimi film, from “The Evil Dead” to “Spider-Man.”

Here, the car known as “The Classic” falls out of the sky to land — thud! — in 12th century England. (Or the Mojave Desert. Your call.)

The boomstick

Only a badass like Ash would battle the undead with a 12-gauge shotgun and a chainsaw. As he tells the so-called “primitive screwheads” of medieval times, this double-barreled Remington is S-Mart’s “top of the line.”

“That’s right,” Ash says, “this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It’s got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger.”

In short, it’s the perfect weapon for a time traveler with ‘tude.

S-Mart

How many horror movies feature endorsements for a fictional supermarket chain? To my knowledge, just this one.

A word to developers: If you build an S-Mart in my neighborhood, I’ll totally shop there. Like, every day.

Mini-Ash

When Ash stumbles into a haunted windmill, he smashes a mirror and unleashes mean, miniature versions of himself. The little guys wage a Liliputian battle on poor Ash.

Giggling incessantly, they stab him, shoot at him, dump a bucket of porridge on his head and tie him up a la “Gulliver’s Travels.”

I still cringe every time poor Ash bangs his noggin on a low-hanging beam.

Evil Ash

If you thought the mini-Ashes were nasty, check out the dude sprouting out of our hero’s shoulder.

Evil Ash survives a chainsaw attack, burial and a shotgun blast to the face to create the titular Army of Darkness and lead them in battle.

The Ladies

Bridget Fonda makes a brief cameo as Linda, Ash’s ill-fated girlfriend.

But the main babe is Embeth Davidtz, who went on to star in “Schindler’s List,” “Mansfield Park” and “Bridget Jone’s Diary.” Here, she plays a medieval honey who later transforms into a nasty hag.

“Give me some sugar, baby.”

The Necronomicon Ex Mortis

“Inked in human blood and bound in human flesh it was never meant for the world of the living. The book awoke something in the woods, something evil.”

The title, loosely translated, means the Book of the Dead.

In “Army of Darkness,” it’s up to Ash to reopen the book, recite a magic phrase and drive back the evil forces. Predictably, he screws it up.

Clatto Verata Nicto

When a wise sage tells Ash to utter the magic words “Clatto verata nicto,” he’s making a direct reference to a science fiction classic.

In “The Day the Earth Stood Still,” the alien visitor, Klaatu, tells a woman to repeat the phrase “Klaatu barada nikto” to his robot.

The Deadites

It’s no coincidence that these undead warriors resemble the sword-swinging skeletons in “Jason and the Argonauts.”

They combine Stooges-style physical comedy with gross special effects. Ray Harryhausen, eat your heart out.

***

“Army of Darkness” plays tonight at The Palm Theatre, 817 Palm St. in San Luis Obispo. Showtimes are 7 and 9:15 p.m.

Tickets are $7.50.