She Likes to Watch

“Three billion human lives ended on August 29th, 1997. The survivors of the nuclear fire called the war ‘Judgment Day.’”

– Sarah Connor

That’s right, “Terminator 2″ fans.

Today is the 11th anniversary of Judgment Day, when Skynet — the all-powerful computer in charge of Earth’s strategic defense system — became self-aware. (To be precise, it happened at 2:14 a.m. on August 29, 1997. A Friday.)

As you might remember from history class, Skynet sent two Terminator robots back through time with a single purpose: to destroy the leader of the human resistance, John Connor.

The first Terminator was programmed to target his mother, Sarah Connor, in 1984 (as chronicled in the documentary “The Terminator”). The second was sent to strike young John himself.

Naturally, you can never save the world just twice.

In 2003, Skynet sent another nasty Terminator (this time a smokin’ hot babe ‘bot) to hunt John Connor down. Guess what? It didn’t quite work.

“Terminator Salvation”, the fourth installment in the hugely successful series, takes us back to home base as Connor (Christian Bale) and a band of survivors struggle to stay alive in post-apocalyptic 2018.

The movie is set to open theaters next May.

Meanwhile, the hit FOX television show “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles” — which returns for a second season on Sept. 8 — fills in the blanks between the events of “T2″ and “T3.”

This entertainment juggernaut is nigh unstoppable! Almost like … wait a minute! … a Terminator.

Humankind may be in more trouble than I thought.

***

Thanks to The Man from Moqui for the tip.

My plan: Make “MST3K” track, make millions

As a hardcore “Mystery Science Theater 3000″ fan, I’ve always wanted to create my own commentaries.

Don’t get me wrong — I loooove it when Mike, Joel and the ‘bots riff on terrible science fiction flicks and mind-melting B-movies.But I’ve always wondered to myself, “How hard could it be? Surely I could make fun of awful movies, too.”

Now I can.

RiffTrax.com is inviting all film buffs, brainiacs and smartasses to make their own funny film commentaries.

The Web site will host and distribute the tracks (called iRiffs), set up product pages for folks to sell their tracks, and even hand out cash prizes to the best smack-talkers. The only thing commentators need to do is write and record their riffs — using (reasonably) easy-to-use programs like Audacity.

Fortunately, there’s a how-to section for technically inept people like myself.

RiffTrax is the brain child of former MST host Michael J. Nelson, so it makes sense that he’d welcome other folks into the fold. The more, the merrier, right? All I know is that I’m going to be rich beyond my wildest fever dreams. Hopefully.

iRiffs can be uploaded as soon as October. I better get cracking.

***

But wait! There’s more!

Fans of “Mystery Science Theater 3000″ can now download entire episodes for free at UtterNerd.org. That’s right — FREE.

Site host Matt Freitag has all ten seasons available, plus the ultra-rare episodes aired on cable’s KTMA in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area. This is a huge treasure trove — everything from “Pod People” to “Puma Man” (one of my personal favorites).

Download ‘em NOW before the powers that be intervene.

***

Thanks to io9.c0m for the tip. Keep circulating the tapes!

“Donnie Darko” is, well, dark

You might describe “Donnie Darko” as an anthem for the maladjusted.

Like the goths, punks and emo kids who love the movie, Donnie (Jake Gyllenhaal in a star-making role) is a teenager battling real and imaginary demons — including a giant bunny named Frank.

In school, he argues with his teachers and alienates his fellow students with his weird behavior. At home, his violent schizophrenia comes out in fights with his parents and sisters and talks with his therapist. But Donnie’s imagination is an even more frightening place.

Mixing teen angst with musings about time travel and fate, “Donnie Darko” is a disturbing, fascinating psychological thriller that blurs fantasy and reality. No wonder it’s become a cult favorite.

Watch “Donnie Darko” tonight at The Palm Theatre, 817 Palm St. in San Luis Obispo. Showtimes are 7 p.m. and 9:15 p.m.; tickets are $7.50.

***

The popular Palm Wednesday series continues next month with:

• Sept. 3: “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” 
• Sept. 10: “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”
• Sept. 17: “The Warriors”
• Sept. 24: “Total Recall” 

Photo courtesy of MovieWeb.com.

“Death Race” is boring.

In fact, compared to “Death Race 2000″ — which starred David Carradine and Sylvester Stallone as two of the baddest bastards to chew pavement — it’s downright dull.

Instead of a coast-to-coast race across America, the schlubs in “Death Race” are competing on a closed course. Instead of a fearsome hero with “a one hundred percent red-blooded American sense of humor,” we get some bald, British dude.

Where the 1975 original was schlocky fun at its finest, this remake is surprisingly milquetoast.

Jason Statham plays Jensen Ames, a retired race car driver whose crappy life is about to get a little crappier.

After mysterious masked strangers invade his home and knock him out, Ames wakes up to find his wife murdered and infant daughter missing. (He was framed, of course!)

Forget due process or a fair trial. Ames heads straight to Terminal Prison, where prisoners compete in pay-per-view “death races” in armored muscle cars.

Survive the race and you win your freedom. Lose, and you lose your life.

The whole thing is overseen by Warden Hennessey (Joan Allen), who — when she’s not condemning men to death — seems to spend a lot of time stomping around in tailored suits and stilettos.

Turns out, Ames isn’t there by accident. Hennessey needs someone to take up the mantle of popular racer Frankenstein, and Ames — who just happens to be a former NASCAR superstar — fits the bill.

His steed? The Monster, a converted Ford Mustang with James Bond-style gadgets and a wicked set of wheels. His co-pilot? A cleavage-baring Latina (Natalie Martinez).

Ames’ toughest foes are also the stuff of stereotypes: “Tokyo Drift”-style racers, Russians, Arabs and Machine Gun Joe, a homicidal gang banger who happens to be gay (Tyrese Gibson, reprising his role from “2 Fast 2 Furious”) .

We know Joe is gay because somebody mentions this fact in EVERY STINKIN’ SCENE. Plot points aren’t hinted at in “Death Race”; they’re sent by semaphore.

“Death Race” comes to us courtesy of Paul W.S. Anderson, the guy behind “Mortal Kombat,” “Event Horizon” and the “Resident Evil” movies.

As you’d expect from such a pedigree, Anderson favors flashy action over plot exposition and dialog. That might be a good thing where alien uglies and martial arts fighters are involved. But when you’re dealing with a movie that brushes against such social issues as modern entertainment standards and the penal system, some introspection might be nice.

The cast isn’t much help, either.

Joan Allen spends the movie in brainless bitch mode, her lipsticked mouth in a permanent pursed scowl. Statham spends more time flexing than acting. Not even Ian McShane, the mean ol’ cuss from “Deadwood,” can bring much bite to “Death Race.”

Worst of all, for a R-rated movie produced by Roger Corman, there’s surprisingly little gore — only a couple unpleasant car accidents. Whatever happened to running down pedestrians for 20 points a pop?

I want to see luckless convicts spattered on the pavement. Mangled bodies. Blood. Twisted hunks of metal.

This ain’t no “Death Race.” This is a stroll through through the frikkin’ park.

***

Photo courtesy of MovieWeb.com.

Harry Potter, original badass

Remember my disappointment about “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince?”

I think I’ve found a way to beat those my-favorite-movie-won’t-come-out-til-next-year doldrums. It’s called “Wizard People, Dear Reader.”

To quote the YouTube blurb: “‘Wizard People, Dear Reader’ is an unauthorized re-envisioning of ‘Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone,’ by Brad Neely.

After spreading rapidly among Neely’s friends in Austin, ‘Wizard People’ made its theatrical debut at the New York Underground Film Festival, to rapturous applause. We think Neely has crafted an as-of-yet-unnamed new art form, one everyone should experience for themselves.”

Narrated by Brad Neely in a froggy, raspy voice, “Wizard People” is a scene-for-scene retelling of “Sorcerer’s Stone” (based on J.K. Rowling’s book) liberally laced with cuss words, flights of fantasy and outright lies.

It’s brilliant and demented, “Harry Potter” as interpreted by someone who’s watched the movie repeatedly under a haze of marijuana and Molson.

In Neely’s hands, Harry Potter (or “H.P.”) becomes a swearing, cognac-swilling Greek god. His best mate Ron Weasley comes across as a fearsome warrior nicknamed “Ronnie the Bear.” And brainy Hermoine? She’s the hideous “Harmony.”

Some of the flubs seem natural — like confusing Hagrid, the half-giant gamekeeper, with cartoon viking Hagar the Horrible. (Seriously, who hasn’t done that before?) Others are just bizarre.

You can watch the entire series, all 35 glorious chapters — including the credits, during which Neely begs the filmmakers not to sue him — right here.

“Wizard People, Dear Reader” and Neely himself are also featured in the upcoming documentary “We Are Wizards,” which takes a bemused look at the burgeoning “wizard rock” scene.

This is a place where J.K. Rowling’s books and “Harry Potter” movies inspire imaginations, where bands like Harry and the Potters and The Hungarian Horntails command legions of gleefully nerdy fans.

“We Are Wizards” is currently making the festival circuit but I hope it hits local theaters soon.

***

“Wizard People, Dear Reader” is hardly the limit to Neely’s creativity.

He’s also created a series of kooky animated shorts, starring characters like Baby Cakes and The Professor Brothers. Funny and quirky to the extreme, the videos’ crazed charm comes from their musical numbers, herky-jerky animation (it’s a bit like a flipbook) and the simplicity of Neely’s drawings.

You can watch all of them at SuperDeluxe.com. As you’d expect, there are a few swear words and adult themes, so proceed with caution.

***

Photo courtesy of MovieWeb.com.