She Likes to Watch

I remember the first time I tried Red Bull.

I sipped. Shivered. Quivered with a caffeine high. Then I realized just how terrible it tasted.

Nevertheless, energy drinks have become a beverage industry giant, pulling in more than $5 billion a year.

These days, they come with sleek silver “bullet-cans” with eye-ball melting colors and outrageous names like Cocaine, Xtazy and Pimp Juice. They have weird ingredients like guarana and taurine. And they still, in my opinion, taste pretty awful.

That’s why I’m turning to a new beverage: Powerthirst.

“Sound the alarm! You’re going to be uncomfortably energetic.”

This faux ad for Powerthirst features a hyper-aggressive announcer hawking flavors like Schockolate and Rawberry and Schockolate. Who wouldn’t love an energy drink that turns your babies into Kenyan sprinters?

You’ll want to use your headphones for this one. It’s loud, raw and has one stray F-bomb for the unwary.