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“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” fails to entertain

About 10 minutes into the hottest, most hyped action blockbuster sequel of the summer,  I turned to my boyfriend and said, “I’m bored. That’s a bad sign, huh?”

Let’s face it, folks. “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is boring.

Over the course of 150 minutes, the viewer is subjected to a merciless barrage of explosions, high-speed salvos and robotic battles royale whose tone and intensity rarely wavers. Attempts at humor and romance routinely fail.

Even worse, the movie’s final showdown, a colossal clash between human soldiers, Autobots and Decepticons, comes after so many brawls and beatdowns that it feels downright anti-climactic.

The sequel to 2007’s “Transformers,“ “Revenge of the Fallen” opens with the first of many knock-down, drag-out donnybrooks.

On the side of right and might are Optimus Prime (voiced by Peter Cullen) and his army of Autobots, backed up by American and British troops.

Together with Major Lennox (Josh Duhamel) and Sgt. Epps ( Tyrese Gibson), they’ve spent the past several months defending Earth against the Decepticons, a dastardly robotic race instantly recognizable by their venomous red “eyes” and razor-sharp “teeth.” Their latest confrontation takes them to Shanghai, where aliens and humans make merry hash of a highway and an industrial complex before the Decepticons go down.

“You cannot defeat us,” hisses one dying Decepticon. “The Fallen shall rise again.”

As the international situation heats up, things are also growing more complicated for Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf), the nerdy teen who saved humanity in the first “Transformers” movie.

He’s heading off to college on the Eastern seaboard, leaving his parents, dog and smokin’ hot girlfriend Mikaela (Megan Fox) behind.

Although Mom (Julie White) and Dad (Kevin Dunn) have comically different takes on Sam’s departure, the move is a big deal for Mikaela, who’s thinking about dumping her beau. It’s been two years and he hasn’t said “I love you” yet!

Meanwhile, Bumblebee — Sam’s guardian-cum-Chevrolet sports car — is also having trouble letting go. He dumps about a gallon of windshield washer fluid on Shia’s shoes.

Sam’s troubles, of course, are far from over. No sooner has he moved into his dorm room than he’s pressed into service by government conspiracy freak Leo Spitz (Ramon Ramirez) and sexually assaulted by a robo-babe.

What’s more, he’s receiving visions of cryptic characters — alien symbols that could be the clue to Earth’s salvation or its utter destruction.

“Revenge” takes viewers on a rambunctious roller coaster ride from the East Coast to Paris to the Middle East, where Autobots and Decepticons clash against such spectacular backdrops as Luxor and the Pyramids of Giza.

Forests. Deserts. Ancient monuments. Each location is an excuse for yet another fracas.

All that action is fun at first, but it gets old quick. What starts as a enjoyably mindless action movie morphs into a painfully dull case of information overload.

Take the main plot premise, a storyline so confusing that I had to consult Wikipedia to get my details straight.

Here’s the short version: Millenia ago, a member of the ancient race known as the Dynasty of Primes threatened human existence by building a giant machine designed to drain the Earth’s sun of energy — thus powering the AllSpark, which provides life to all Transformers.

The rest of the Primes sacrificed their lives to stop him. They hid the key to that machine — known as the Matrix of Leadership — with their very bodies, somewhere in the Middle East. Now the bad dude, The Fallen, is trying to find it.

Get it? I didn’t. Neither, from the sound of it, did screenwriters Ehren Kruger, Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman.

Director Michael Bay, on the other hand, knows exactly what he’s doing. He directs what he knows — delivering a patented mix of eye candy, explosions and big, shiny toys.

Besides luscious Megan Fox, there’s a new babe — an aggressive college coed (Aussie actress Isabel Lucas) who is more than meets the approving eye.

Bay’s cheesecake is served with a side of beefcake: muscle-bound hotties Josh Duhamel (“Las Vegas”) and model-turned-actor Tyrese (“Death Race”). Shia LaBeouf’s puckish Everyman rounds out the group.

Bay also lavishes attention on the other objects of his lust: cool cars, giant firearms and military might. All are displayed with an utter disregard for civilian safety.

With the exception of Sam and Mikaela, in fact, humans seem like afterthoughts in “Revenge.”

Agent Simmons (John Tuturro), a once-powerful government spook reduced to working at his mom’s deli, is present solely as an object of mockery.

He sports tiny tighty-whities and what one character calls a “pubic hair afro.” He raves about alien conspiracies. He makes cracks about dangling robot testicles.

Robot balls? Why, that’s about as funny as potty humor, marijuana-crazed moms and jive-talking Transformer twins.

Michael Bay reportedly described the tone of “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” as “Ben-Hur” meets “Apocalypse Now.”

That’s true, if you combined the slowest, dustiest parts of William Wyler’s sword-and-sandal saga with the most bizarre elements of Francis Ford Coppola’s Vietnam War epic.

But why in the world would you want to do that?