She Likes to Watch

“Death Race” is boring.

In fact, compared to “Death Race 2000″ — which starred David Carradine and Sylvester Stallone as two of the baddest bastards to chew pavement — it’s downright dull.

Instead of a coast-to-coast race across America, the schlubs in “Death Race” are competing on a closed course. Instead of a fearsome hero with “a one hundred percent red-blooded American sense of humor,” we get some bald, British dude.

Where the 1975 original was schlocky fun at its finest, this remake is surprisingly milquetoast.

Jason Statham plays Jensen Ames, a retired race car driver whose crappy life is about to get a little crappier.

After mysterious masked strangers invade his home and knock him out, Ames wakes up to find his wife murdered and infant daughter missing. (He was framed, of course!)

Forget due process or a fair trial. Ames heads straight to Terminal Prison, where prisoners compete in pay-per-view “death races” in armored muscle cars.

Survive the race and you win your freedom. Lose, and you lose your life.

The whole thing is overseen by Warden Hennessey (Joan Allen), who — when she’s not condemning men to death — seems to spend a lot of time stomping around in tailored suits and stilettos.

Turns out, Ames isn’t there by accident. Hennessey needs someone to take up the mantle of popular racer Frankenstein, and Ames — who just happens to be a former NASCAR superstar — fits the bill.

His steed? The Monster, a converted Ford Mustang with James Bond-style gadgets and a wicked set of wheels. His co-pilot? A cleavage-baring Latina (Natalie Martinez).

Ames’ toughest foes are also the stuff of stereotypes: “Tokyo Drift”-style racers, Russians, Arabs and Machine Gun Joe, a homicidal gang banger who happens to be gay (Tyrese Gibson, reprising his role from “2 Fast 2 Furious”) .

We know Joe is gay because somebody mentions this fact in EVERY STINKIN’ SCENE. Plot points aren’t hinted at in “Death Race”; they’re sent by semaphore.

“Death Race” comes to us courtesy of Paul W.S. Anderson, the guy behind “Mortal Kombat,” “Event Horizon” and the “Resident Evil” movies.

As you’d expect from such a pedigree, Anderson favors flashy action over plot exposition and dialog. That might be a good thing where alien uglies and martial arts fighters are involved. But when you’re dealing with a movie that brushes against such social issues as modern entertainment standards and the penal system, some introspection might be nice.

The cast isn’t much help, either.

Joan Allen spends the movie in brainless bitch mode, her lipsticked mouth in a permanent pursed scowl. Statham spends more time flexing than acting. Not even Ian McShane, the mean ol’ cuss from “Deadwood,” can bring much bite to “Death Race.”

Worst of all, for a R-rated movie produced by Roger Corman, there’s surprisingly little gore — only a couple unpleasant car accidents. Whatever happened to running down pedestrians for 20 points a pop?

I want to see luckless convicts spattered on the pavement. Mangled bodies. Blood. Twisted hunks of metal.

This ain’t no “Death Race.” This is a stroll through through the frikkin’ park.

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Photo courtesy of MovieWeb.com.

CGI: You’ve come a long way, baby

Twenty years ago, special effects were a relatively simple affair.

Build a few models and miniatures. Create elaborate matte paintings. Add stop-motion animation, makeup and prosthetics, and piece it all together with trick photography and creative camera angles.

Then came the Golden Age of CGI.

Early attempts like the stained glass knight in “Young Sherlock Holmes,” the morphing animal-woman in “Willow” and the denizens of the deep in “The Abyss” stretched the limits of computer-aided imagery. But it was “Terminator 2″ — James Cameron’s action-packed sequel — that really turned the FX industry on its head.

RottenTomatoes.com lists 20 of the most revolutionary CGI movies in the past two decades, starting with the mega-cool liquid metal T-1000 in “T2.”

Here’s the list. The films are ranked, not in order of importance, but chronologically.

1. “T2″ (1991)
2. “Jurassic Park” (1993)
3. “Toy Story” (1995)
4. “Titanic” (1997)
5. “The Matrix” (1999)
6. “Gladiator” (2000)
7. “Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within” (2001)
8. “Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring” (2001)
9. “Finding Nemo” (2003)
10. “Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl” (2003)
11. “The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King” (2003)
12. “The Day After Tomorrow” (2004)
13. “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” (2004)
14. “Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith” (2005)
15. “Batman Begins” (2005)
16. “War of the Worlds” (2005)
17. “King Kong” (2005)
18. “Sunshine”(2007)
19. “Beowulf” (2007)
20. “Wall-E” (2008)

As you can tell, computer-generated images have been a huge part of summer blockbusters and holiday season sensations since the mid-1990s.

In some, computer animation actually takes center stage — such as Golem in “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy and the title giant ape in “King Kong.”

Without gross Grendel, there’d be no point to “Beowulf’s” 3D roller coaster ride. The same goes for General Grievous in “Revenge of the Sith,” or the alien craft in “War of the Worlds.”

But the CGI bats and bogeys in “Batman Begins”? They’re hardly more than background.

It’s also notable that many of these movies — although pretty — are not particularly good. The flop that was”The Day After Tomorrow” reveals the fallacy of relying on visual effects to carry a film, rather than pesky little things like plot or character development.

A few notable omissions do stand out from this list, such as “The Abyss,” James Cameron’s earliest foray into CGI.

What about “Cloverfield,” the monster movie that got bloggers in a tither earlier this year?

There’s also no mention of two of my favorite special effects extravaganzas of the summer, “The Incredible Hulk” and “Hellboy 2: The Golden Army.”

Could it be that CGI is finally blasé?

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Photo courtesy of MovieWeb.com.

Look out! It’s another disgruntled critic!

Now that I’ve shared my opinion of “Pineapple Express,” it’s time for the stars to speak out.

James Franco and Seth Rogen shared their thoughts about stoner antics, on-screen violence and smoking pot on camera with McClatchy Interactive.

And wait, there’s more!

Here, Alan Rickman talks about the indie comedy “Bottle Shock”. Filmed in the Napa Valley, the film follows a real-life wine shop owner who pitted California’s wines against the best from France in 1976.

British soccer star-turned-actor Vinnie Jones fell in love with motorcycles while filming the hog-heavy “Hell Ride.”

Finally, “Seinfeld” star Jason Alexander considers running for congress.

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All audio courtesy of McClatchy Interactive.

Dude, where’s my movie?

I’m inventing a new phrase, friends and neighbors. It’s called “trailer betrayal.”

Trailer betrayal is the sad state of affairs that occurs when a movie trailer promises things the film itself cannot possibly deliver. Hilarious gags. Fantastic action sequences. Thrilling climaxes.

When you watch the movie, however, the dialogue falls flat, the plot limps by, and the fight scenes are cheesy, boring and overdrawn. Rest assured, moviegoers. All the best jokes are in that two-and-a-half-minute reel.

The trailer for “Pineapple Express,” the latest from super-producer Judd Apatow, falls into the same group.

If you believe the hype, Seth Rogen and James Franco are the funniest stoner duo since Cheech and Chong and “Pineapple Express” is a comedic masterpiece — a slick, smart yukfest undercut with constant laughs and great tunes.

The movie looks good. Almost too good. And there’s a reason for that.

In reality, “Pineapple Express” is an confused mishmash of stoner comedy and action thriller. Torn between oddball humor, high times and violent he-man posturing, it never quite gets off the ground.

Stoner comedies, such as “Half Baked” and “Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle,” succeed when they’re silly. Really silly.

Some of the best scenes in “Pineapple Express” rely on that time-honored formula and shine.

Not suprisingly, Rogen and Franco (reunited for the first time since “Freaks and Geeks”) have an easy chemistry as a pot-smoking process server and his equally clueless dealer.

Between frequent tokes, they go on weed-fueled flights of fancy, suffer from pot-flavored paranoia and occasionally remember they’re on the run from murderous gangsters. Watching the duo freaking out in the forest or engaged in a brutal fight with a pudgy suburban drug dealer (Danny McBride) are almost worth the price of admission.

Other scenes feel straight out of a ’70s blaxploitation movie, or an ’80s action flick. (If drug czar Gary Cole and bad cop Rosie Perez were in those movies, in fact, they’d be bumping tonsils for a full five minutes instead of merely trading saucy looks.)

There are memorable lines, laugh-out-loud sight gags and lots of bro love — enough to make some of my fellow moviegoers squirm in their seats.

Any time “Pineapple Express” really gets rocking, however, an errant twist or needless subplot mars the flow.

The movie also fails to utilize some of its strongest talent. One glimpse at Bill Hader’s stoned Army private or thugs Kevin Corrigan and Craig Robinson (Darryl from “The Office”) and it’s clear that they deserve more screen time.

It could be that “Pineapple Express” is brilliant, and I’m not nearly high enough to see it.

But with a confusing plot, uneven humor and some uncomfortably vicious scenes, I think there’s a better explanation.

Screenwriters Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg are simply one toke over the line.

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Photo courtesy of MovieWeb.com.

What do the words “Sukiyaki Western Django” mean to you?

If you’re like me, that phrase sounded like gibberish until a few days ago. That’s when I watched a trailer for one of the weirdest movies to come from the Land of the Rising Song.

It’s “Yojimbo” meets “Young Guns,” a samurai epic with a spaghetti Western twist. “Sukiyaki Western Django” is revisionist history at its most sexy– rife with cliches and ridiculously fun.

Directed by Takashi Miike, best known for raw, violent flicks like “Ichi the Killer” and the “Dead or Alive” triology, the film is set during Japan’s Genpei Wars at the end of the 1100s.

As the Minamoto and Taira gangs face off in the town of Yuda, a deadly gunman (Hideaki Ito) comes to the aid of the townsfolk.

It looks like good, hip fun, but there are a few things about “Sukiyaki Western Django” that just don’t make sense:

For starters, the cast is almost entirely Japanese, but they all speak heavily accented, nearly unintelligible English. (I hear some versions have subtitles, thankfully.)

They’re speaking American slang.

And for some bewildering reason, Quentin Tarantino has plopped himself right in the middle of it all, playing an archetypal cowboy named Ringo. Do we really need the godfather of indie cinema spouting mysticisms and making stirfry?

Check out a few scenes from the movie here:

here:

And here:

Of course, revisionist history is nothing new for the world of Westerns.

John Sturges imported Akira Kurosawa’s “The Seven Samurai” to Mexico for “The Magnificent Seven.” And “Sukiyaki” could be considered a remake of Sergio Leone’s classic “A Fistful of Dollars.”

I’ll be eager to see just how well “Sukiyaki” mixes ancient Japan and the Wild West. Will it be another “Kung Fu Hustle”? A “Six-String Samurai”? Maybe, if we’re lucky, we might get the fantastic fusion of a “Cowboy Bebop.”

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“Sukiyaki Western Django” has been playing in Japan since September 2007 and recently made an appearance at the Fantasia Film Festival in Montreal, but Lord knows when it’ll finally hit California.

A limited release in the United States is set for Aug. 29.

Looking ahead at August’s big blockbusters

For movie studios, August is summer’s last gasp.

They typically choose this month to unload the last few action movies, big epics and comedies aimed at a younger crowd. Fall and winter? They belong to the adults.

This August, we’ve got a fantasy adventure flick, a couple of offbeat comedies, an animated film and an American rehash of a martial arts film. Let the games begin.

“The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor” (Opens Friday)

When archaeologist Rick O’Connell discovers the tomb of China’s Dragon Emperor, he gets more than he bargained for: a terracotta army, a three-headed dragon and a yeti, all commanded by martial arts superstar Jet Li.

Fortunately, Michelle Yeoh is on hand to summon a skeletal army of her own. “So these are the good undead guys, right?” a character quips. Let’s hope so.

Brendan Fraser looks a mite rusty as Rick, but he’s still quicker with quips and a pistol than co-stars Maria Bello and Luke Ford — playing his wife and son.

We’ll see if Fraser can still balance humor with horror-lite.

“Pineapple Express” (Aug. 6)

After all the subpar material the so-called Frat Pack has been pushing lately (”Forgetting Sarah Marshall,” “Step Brothers,” “Drillbit Taylor”), “Pineapple Express” is a breath of pot-infused, ahem, fresh air.

Seth Rogan, that loveable schlub from “Knocked Up,” stars as a pothead process server who accidentally witnesses a mob hit. He goes on the run with his equally clueless dealer (James Franco, delightfully against type).

Count on Rogan and company to take stoner comedies to a whole new high. (Pun heartily intended.)

(A note: That catchy tune at the end of the trailer is M.I.A.’s “Paper Planes.”)

“Tropic Thunder” (Aug. 13)

After all the buzz about Robert Downey Jr. in blackface, it’s hard to tell just how good “Tropic Thunder” might be.

Helmed by Ben Stiller and featuring an all-star cast including Jack Black, Steve Coogan, Nick Nolte and stand-up comic Brandon T. Jackson, “Tropic Thunder” certainly has an interesting premise:

Seeking more realism for his Vietnam War epic, a director dumps his cast in the midst of the real thing.

Is this a war movie spoof? A satire of Hollywood’s self-absorbed A-listers?

One thing’s for sure. The much-hyped Tom Cruise cameo — not shown here — is sure to be a highlight.

“Star Wars: The Clone Wars” (Aug. 15)

Bryan Adams’ brilliant animated series made life tolerable for “Star Wars” fans over the past decade.

While George Lucas turned our beloved franchise into a trio of cheesy, ill-conceived potboilers, the smart, slick-looking “Clone Wars” captured the best things about the “Star Wars” universe. It had compelling characters. Action-packed fight scenes. Deadpan humor.

Leave it to Lucas to ruin a good thing.

This computer-animated version of “Clone Wars” looks clunky and surprisingly flat. Is it a bad sign when few characters speak more than three words in a row?

“Bangkok Dangerous” (Aug. 22)

Somebody needs to tell Nicolas Cage to stop making action movies.

His latest attempt — which has a long-haired Cage playing as an international hit man struggling with personal demons — is just plain embarrassing.

Cage appears to be channeling John Cusack’s post-modern hitman in “Grosse Pointe Blank.” Instead of quips and heartache, however, we get boring, cheesy musings about the loneliness of a killer’s life.

Directed by the Pang brothers, “Bangkok Dangerous” happens to be a remake of their own 1999 flick.The difference? Cage’s character isn’t deaf-mute. And he certainly ain’t Thai.

Skip it.

“Babylon A.D” (Aug. 29)

It’s not quite a blockbuster, but I couldn’t resist including “Babylon A.D” in the mix.

Ol’ Chrome Dome himself, Vin Diesel, plays a tough-guy mercenary hired to transport a mysterious woman from Russia to America. This being the future, that’s presumably a tougher job than, say, hopping on a commuter flight.

Of course, there happens to be something very special about this particular girl.

“Babylon” comes to us courtesy of “Gothika” director Mathieu Kassovitz, who pairs his futuristic setting with some rather silly action sequences and painfully tin-eared dialog.

Recommended only for dedicated Vin Diesel fans (you poor souls).

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Photo courtesy of MovieWeb.com.

It’s the Holy Grail of all auctions

Want to own a piece of Hollywood history?

This week, movie fans can bid online for props, costumes, scripts and posters ranging from The Lone Ranger’s pearl-handled revolvers (starting at $4,000 for the pair) to a mechanical Velociraptor from “Jurassic Park III” ($80,000).

The live Internet auction is being organized by Profiles in History of Calabasas, Calif.

How’d you like to get your hands on a phaser used by William Shatner in “Star Trek”?

What about a helmet from “CHiPs”? James Bond’s cufflinks? C-3PO’s feet from “Star Wars”? Or Lou Ferrigno’s prosthetic nose from “The Incredible Hulk” television series?

Even the Holy Grail used in “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” is up for grabs. It’s a steal with bids starting at $20,000.

For as much as $50,000, you can purchase the “Ten Commandments” tablets that Moses himself (aka Charlton Heston) brought down from Mount Sinai.

Although most of the auctions items tend to run in the thousands of dollars, there are a few for relatively cheap. For instance, you could own a lobby card for 1962’s “Lolita” for a mere $200.

Click on this link for a closer look at the hundreds of items for sale. The auction ends 11 p.m. Thursday (Pacific Standard Time).

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You’ll notice that the same guy is modeling most of the men’s costumes up for auction, everything from Christopher Reeves’ “Superman” suit to the Sabertooth costume from “X-Men.” Lucky stiff.

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Photo courtesy of LiveAuctioneers.com.

Ya shoulda been at Comic-Con, bub.

Comic-Con 2008 is over.

From all reports, it was a mixed year for the pop culture convention. There were the usual celebrity appearances, glimpses of upcoming blockbusters and major geekouts over popular franchises.

Still, nobody came out with a huge, ultra-secret, blow-the-top-off-your skull surprise.

This year, the big buzz surrounded comic-book projects like “X-Men Origins: Wolverine,” Frank Miller’s “The Spirit,” the highly anticipated “Watchmen” movie and “The Dark Knight,” still kicking butt at the box office.

We also saw sequels aplenty, including “Terminator: Salvation” and TV’s “Terminator: The Sarah Chronicle Files,” “The Lost Boys: The Tribe” and and “Tron 2″ (that’s right, “Tron 2″!!). Not to mention several remakes, such as “The Day the Earth Stood Still,” “Death Race” and “Land of the Lost.”

For more details, I turn to the professionals. Click on the links below.

Science fiction fans got the scoop via io9.com, which reported on hits like “Lost,” “Chuck,” “Dr. Who” and “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog.”

Meanwhile, Kotaku.com kept the score for video game fans, posting updates on such titles as “Ghostbusters: The Video Game,” “Afro Samurai” and the latest in the “Resident Evil,” “Street Fighter,” “Mortal Kombat” and “Spider-Man” franchises.

Film-centric sites MovieWeb.com, RottenTomatoes.com and IGN.com also hit the convention floor.

It’s a lot to take in, so read slowly and rest often.

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Thanks to reader Robot Downey Jr. for the tip.

Comic-Con International: Where the nerds come out to play

I’m feeling a little mopey this week, and it’s got nothing to do with the morning fog or the fact that the guys who set fire to their friend’s crotch are behind bars.

No, the real reason I’m down in the dumps is this: Comic-Con International.

Every year, hundreds of thousands of people converge on San Diego for the biggest geekfest known to mankind. They meet iconic comic book artists and writers, get the scoop on upcoming movies and television shows, check out cool gadgets and video games, and score bags upon bags of free swag.

They shop. They cosplay. They squeal with uncontrollable excitement whenever George Takei strolls buy.

Comic-Con, which runs today through Sunday, is easily the Dorkiest Place on Earth. The beauty is that everyone — from fans to professionals — is just as dorky as you are. Probably more.

That’s right. It’s a place where I appear almost … shudder … normal.

The economy and gas prices being what they are, however, I’ve decided to skip Comic-Con this year.

That means that I’m missing out on sneak previews and panel discussions for some of the hottest upcoming titles.

Never fear, readers. Just as Tribune blogger Justin did with E3, I’m going to be monitoring the Interwebs and airwaves for juicy Comic-Con tidbits.

Here’s a sampling of today’s events. Scheduling info comes courtesy of MovieWeb.com; the quips and comments are my own.

• Who knew that Click and Clack, hosts of the popular radio show “Car Talk,” were destined for greater things? A new PBS cartoon is coming to primetime.

• “Freakazoid!”, the hilarious animated series from “Batman: The Animated Series” wizard Bruce Timm, is going to be released on DVD. So is “Tiny Toon Adventures.”

• Happy 30th anniversary, “Battlestar Galactica”!

• Hasbro’s bid for world domination (”Transformers 2,” anyone?) continues with the upcoming blockbuster “G.I. Joe.”

• Does 20th Century Fox hate humanity? They took a classic science fiction movie — “The Day the Earth Stood Still” — and remade it with Keanu Reeves as alien ambassador Klaatu. Then they cast Mark Wahlberg as video game hero “Max Payne.” Jerks.

• So we’re getting a new “Knight Rider” series after all?! Thanks for jerking us around for six months, NBC.

• Two scrumptious panels about “Doctor Who” AND “Torchwood.” Or, why I love British sci-fi.

• “Twilight” — based on the best-selling novel about a vampire and a mortal teenager falling in love — is hitting the big screen. How they plan to get author Stephenie Meyer, director Catherine Hardwicke and six cast members seated around one table is anyone’s guess.

• Why do I love Robert Rodriguez? Oh yeah, because he remakes silly, silly movies like “Red Sonja.”

• The Incredible Hulk squares off with Wolverine in a keen animated tale. Neato!

• So, you’ve never heard of Dark Castle Entertainment? Neither have I. All I care about is the fact that they’re releasing Guy Ritchie’s latest, “RocknRolla,” as well as “Ninja Assassin” starring Korean pop sensation Rain.

• Indie animator Bill Plympton wants you to see his just-completed feature “Idiots and Angels.” Why not sit through “Hot Dog” while you’re at it?

• If at first you don’t succeed … A first look at “Punisher: War Zone.”

• Guaranteed to make you gag: Lionsgate brings us the latest installment in the so-called torture porn genre, “Saw V,” as well as “Repo! The Genetic Opera!”, a goth rock musical from the director of the first three “Saw” movies.

• Welcome back, Corey Feldman. It’s the world premiere of “The Lost Boys 2: The Tribe.”

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Above photo by Chris Daly. Taken last year during Comic-Con International.

See Lola. See Lola run. Run, Lola, run.

We’ve all had bad days. Even horrible ones.

But the 20-minute period endured by the flame-haired heroine in “Run Lola Run” has to be one of the worst.

When Manni loses 100,000 Deutsche Mark belonging to a powerful gangster on the subway, it’s up to his devoted girlfriend, Lola (future “Bourne Identity” love interest Franka Potente), to recoup the money by any means possible — or watch Manni die.

In three alternative storylines, Lola begs, borrows and steals to get the cash, each time racing against the clock and against fate.

Director Tom Tykwer keeps the tempo tense with clever cuts, freeze frames, interwoven storytelling and even an animated sequence or two. It’s fast-paced fun — definitely one of the more innovative German films of the past decade.

Tykwer went on to direct “The Princess and the Warrior” (also starring Potente), “Heaven” and “Perfume: The Story of a Murderer.”

“Run Lola Run” plays tonight at The Palm Theatre, 817 Palm St. in San Luis Obispo. Showtimes are 7 and 9:15 p.m.

Tickets are $7.50.

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“Run Lola Run” kicks off a whole new Palm Wednesday series at the Palm Theatre. It’s a bit gentler and more girl-friendly than the previous run.

Here’s the rest of the schedule:

July 30: “American Beauty”

Aug. 6: “Moulin Rouge”

Aug. 13: “Garden State”

Aug. 20: “Spirited Away”

Aug. 27: “Donnie Darko”

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Photo courtesy of InfoLab.