She Likes to Watch

Harry Potter, original badass

Remember my disappointment about “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince?”

I think I’ve found a way to beat those my-favorite-movie-won’t-come-out-til-next-year doldrums. It’s called “Wizard People, Dear Reader.”

To quote the YouTube blurb: “‘Wizard People, Dear Reader’ is an unauthorized re-envisioning of ‘Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone,’ by Brad Neely.

After spreading rapidly among Neely’s friends in Austin, ‘Wizard People’ made its theatrical debut at the New York Underground Film Festival, to rapturous applause. We think Neely has crafted an as-of-yet-unnamed new art form, one everyone should experience for themselves.”

Narrated by Brad Neely in a froggy, raspy voice, “Wizard People” is a scene-for-scene retelling of “Sorcerer’s Stone” (based on J.K. Rowling’s book) liberally laced with cuss words, flights of fantasy and outright lies.

It’s brilliant and demented, “Harry Potter” as interpreted by someone who’s watched the movie repeatedly under a haze of marijuana and Molson.

In Neely’s hands, Harry Potter (or “H.P.”) becomes a swearing, cognac-swilling Greek god. His best mate Ron Weasley comes across as a fearsome warrior nicknamed “Ronnie the Bear.” And brainy Hermoine? She’s the hideous “Harmony.”

Some of the flubs seem natural — like confusing Hagrid, the half-giant gamekeeper, with cartoon viking Hagar the Horrible. (Seriously, who hasn’t done that before?) Others are just bizarre.

You can watch the entire series, all 35 glorious chapters — including the credits, during which Neely begs the filmmakers not to sue him — right here.

“Wizard People, Dear Reader” and Neely himself are also featured in the upcoming documentary “We Are Wizards,” which takes a bemused look at the burgeoning “wizard rock” scene.

This is a place where J.K. Rowling’s books and “Harry Potter” movies inspire imaginations, where bands like Harry and the Potters and The Hungarian Horntails command legions of gleefully nerdy fans.

“We Are Wizards” is currently making the festival circuit but I hope it hits local theaters soon.

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“Wizard People, Dear Reader” is hardly the limit to Neely’s creativity.

He’s also created a series of kooky animated shorts, starring characters like Baby Cakes and The Professor Brothers. Funny and quirky to the extreme, the videos’ crazed charm comes from their musical numbers, herky-jerky animation (it’s a bit like a flipbook) and the simplicity of Neely’s drawings.

You can watch all of them at SuperDeluxe.com. As you’d expect, there are a few swear words and adult themes, so proceed with caution.

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Photo courtesy of MovieWeb.com.

Movies under the moon

With Labor Day around the corner and fall almost upon us, the summer entertainment calendar is winding down.

Before you pack away your camp chairs and beach blankets, here are three final opportunities to enjoy movies in the great outdoors. Enjoy!

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What better place to watch “Young Frankenstein” than an actual castle?

Eagle Castle Winery in Paso Robles offers a screening of the Mel Brooks classic this Saturday, complete with wine, popcorn and ice cream.

One of the funniest, quirkest comedies ever, “Young Frankenstein” is a delightfully demented take on Mary Shelley’s “Frankenstein” (and James Whale’s classic movie adaptation). It’s crammed full of memorable jokes, characters and sight gags ranging from subtle to surprisingly bawdy.

Gene Wilder plays the title scientist, a descendant of the crazy old coot who first brought an undead monster to life.

At first, Dr. Frankenstein has no intention of following in Granddad’s footsteps. But the combined efforts of a hunchbacked assistant (Marty Feldman), a lovely lab partner (Teri Garr) and grandfather’s scary old beau (Cloris Leachman) soon convince him to give it a crack.

Whether you prefer Wilder’s patented weirdness, Feldman’s demented asides or Peter Boyle’s hilariously mute performance as The Monster, “Young Frankenstein” is a black-and-white beauty. Don’t miss this one.

Catch “Young Frankenstein” at 7 p.m. Saturday at Eagle Castle Winery, 3090 Anderson Road in Paso Robles. Tickets are $20 or $15 for wine club members.

The screening will be held in the so-called “Castle Courtyard” so be sure to bring blankets and comfortable chairs. Call 227-1428 for more information.

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Summer nights get sassy with “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes,” Saturday at Meridian Winery in Paso Robles.

The evening, dubbed “Cinema e Vino Paradiso,” begins with a wine tasting, followed by a gourmet Tuscan picnic and a movie screening at a scenic vineyard theater.

“Gentlemen Prefer Blondes” stars ’50s bombshells Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell as two singers on a transatlantic cruise. They flirt, frolic and remind audiences that “Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend.”

The fun starts at 7:30 p.m. at Meridian Vineyards, 7000 E Highway 46 in Paso Robles. Tickets are $65 for wine club members and $75 for the public. Call 238-0095 to learn more.

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Family friendly entertainment is available at the Sunken Gardens in Atascadero.

The city’s free movie series continues Saturday with “Charlotte’s Web,” the 2006 live-action film starring Dakota Fanning and a host of Hollywood voices.

Based on E.B. White’s charming children’s book, “Charlotte’s Web” focuses on the unusual and touching friendship between Wilbur, a humble pig, and a kind, wise spider named Charlotte (voiced by Julia Roberts).

When Wilbur discover that he’s bound for the chopping block, Charlotte sets out to prove just how extraordinary he is. Thanks to Charlotte’s efforts, Wilbur survives and becomes a star attraction at the State Fair.

Vocal talents include Steve Buscemi, John Cleese, Oprah Winfrey, Kathy Bates, Robert Redford and Reba McEntire.

“Charlotte’s Web” will be screened at 8:15 p.m. at Sunken Gardens Park, 6500 Palma Ave. in Paso Robles. Bring blankets and low-backed chairs.

More info is available by calling 461-5000 or visiting www.atascadero.org.

Prepare to be “Spirited Away”

Hayao Miyazaki could easily be considered the godfather of modern Japanese animation.

Time and time again, he’s turned out magical, awe-inspiring movies, pairing peerless animation techniques with charming stories and fascinating characters. “Spirited Away.” one of his finest, follows a young girl through a land of gods, demons and witches unlike anything presented by Disney.

Like many fairy tales, “Spirited Away” begins with a simple mistake.

On the way to their new home, Chihiro and her parents take a wrong turn down a wooded path.

Leaving their car, they discover restaurants filled with delicious food and seemingly abandoned. Mom and Dad dig in. But their 10-year-old daughter senses something is wrong.

As night falls, she finds the area filled with faceless spirits and her parents transformed magically into pigs.

Chihiro, you see, has entered the spirit world. With the help of a mysterious boy named Haku, she must work at a bathhouse for Japan’s myriad gods in hopes of breaking the spell and preventing her parents from becoming someone’s dinner.

Like the fearless heroines in Miyazaki’s “Howl’s Moving Castle,” “Princess Mononoke” and “Kiki’s Delivery Service,” young Chichiro overcomes her situation to discover confidence, strength and kindness.

“Spirited Away” won an Oscar for best animated movie and it’s no surprise. The scope and quality are astounding, especially given the 2001 film’s combination of digital effects and traditional 2D animation. Add a touching, inspiring plot, and you’ve got an indisputable classic.

Whether you’re a hardcore anime fan or a relative newbie, “Spirited Away” is the perfect way to experience Japanese animation.

“Spirited Away” will be screened at 7 p.m. and 9:15 p.m. tonight at The Palm Theatre, 817 Palm St. in San Luis Obispo. Tickets are $7.50.

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Alex “Hitch” Hitchens is one smooth operator.

As “The Date Doctor,” Hitch (Will Smith) helps clients romance the women of their dreams, offering advice on everything from first kisses to drinks and dancing. As he tells his latest client, Albert (Kevin James), “Any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet; he just needs the right broom.”

When Hitch meets gossip columnist Sara (Eva Mendes), however, this sophisticated guy turns into a total klutz. Could it be love?

“Hitch” plays tonight at 8 p.m. at the Dolphin Bay Resort and Spa, 2727 Shell Beach Road in Shell Beach.

Free lawn seating begins at 7:30 p.m.

Moviegoers also have the option of watching the movie while enjoying with a three-course dinner served on the patio, starting at 7 p.m.

That costs $49 per person, plus tax and gratuity. Reservations are required.

Call 773-8900 for more information.

Looks like I have a fan in television pundit Stephen Colbert.

Colbert, host of Comedy Central’s wildly popular “The Colbert Report,” mentioned my name last week in reference to Canton, South Dakota.

Colbert apologized for calling Canton “America’s real assburg” and “North Dakota’s dirty ashtray.”

He also read from an article by The Argus Leader of Sioux City, S.D. The newspaper quoted a local photo-journalist named — you guessed it — Sarah Linn as saying, “Canton is not a place where I’ll run into tons of opportunity to improve my career.”

I’m not sure if we share the same spelling, but that’s still pretty cool.

Of course, Canton, S.D. is not the first place to face Colbert’s wrath. He’s also dissed Canton, Georgia; Canton, Kansas; and Canton, Texas.

When will this reign of terror end?

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Can’t get enough of Canton?

A South Dakota graphic artist has created Canton-versus-Colbert, a Web site that catalogs anti-Canton sentiment. There’s even a game that lets visitors fling pheasants at the South Dakota state capitol to make Colbert apologize.

(I don’t get it either. Must be a South Dakota thing.)

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IN OTHER SHOWBIZ NEWS:

Promotional campaigns are getting so elaborate these days.

First there were fan-created frenzies over “Snakes on a Plane” and “Cloverfield.” Then Batman and The Joker stared their own propaganda campaigns to drum up press for “The Dark Knight.”

DreamWorks Pictures joins the fray with a wacky promotional site for the war spoof “Tropic Thunder.”

Faux filmmaker Jan Jürgen exposes the ego, ineptitude and madness behind “Tropic Thunder” in his documentary “Rain of Madness.”

There are undertones of horror and humor, as in Fax Bahr and George Hickenlooper’s behind-the-scenes documentary “Hearts of Darkness: A Filmmaker’s Apocalypse.” There’s also a lot of wonderful weirdness.

I recommend Jürgen’s “Dispatches from the Edge of Madness,” in which he interviews the cast and crew of this silly movie-within-a-movie.

PLUS, did you know that the Death Star has recently been spotted over San Francisco?!?

According to Gizmodo.com, the Galactic Empire has begun its invasion of the Bay Area. The proof is this video.

Nearly three minutes of footage depict TIE fighters soaring over the city, an Imperial Star Destroyer hovering near the Golden Gate Bridge and ATSTs (the so-called “chicken walkers”) exploring the beach.

I think I speak for the rest of California when I say: “We surrender!”
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Stephen Colbert photo courtesy of “The Colbert Report.”

Yes, that really is Robert Downey Jr.

I’ll admit it.

I chuckled when Robert Downey Jr. launched into his speech about “Rain Man,” “Forrest Gump” and other tearjerkers about “simple folk” in “Tropic Thunder”. Okay, I actually laughed out loud.

“Tropic Thunder” has everything we’ve grown to expect from 21st century comedy — racial stereotypes, fart jokes and the unsavory sight of Jack Black in his undies.

Many of the jokes tow the line between foul and funny. But as offensive as the film can be at times, it’s not all shock-and-awe.

Directed and co-written by Ben Stiller, “Tropic Thunder” sends a gleeful salute to “Platoon,” “The Deer Hunter” and “Apocalypse Now.” It also boasts pitch-perfect parodies of Hollywood players and some well-placed cameos.

Director Damien Cockburn (Britain’s Steve Coogan) has set out to make the ultimate Vietnam War movie, based on a book by a grizzled vet (Nick Nolte).

He’s got a wild Southeast Asia setting, a huge budget and monumental amounts of explosives.

Unfortunately for Cockburn, his cast consists of an action star turned flop (Stiller, surprisingly ripped), a comic battling drug addiction (Black), a energy drink-peddling rapper (Brandon T. Jackson) and a crazed Aussie so dedicated to his craft that he’s undergone “pigment surgery” for his African American role (Robert Downey Jr.).

When the self-important celebrities find themselves cut loose in the jungle, however, it’s time for the actors to start acting like men.

Starting with a slew of fake trailers, “Tropic Thunder” sets out at a roaring pace and only picks up speed with appearances by Tom Cruise and Matthew McConaughey. Unfortunately, the movie bogs down just as our reluctant heroes finally step into action.

Although many of the bits get old, there’s plenty of humor here — including some rather nasty one-liners. (The only clean one I remember involves Mother Nature “wetting her pantsuit.”)

Downey Jr. is one of the factors that makes “Tropic Thunder” so unexpectedly enjoyable.

He inhabits two roles — a Russell Crowe look-alike chasing his next Oscar, and a salty black sergeant who craves crawfish and quotes “The Jeffersons” theme song. It’s a sharp satire that would not be out of place in a Spike Lee movie.

Like Downey Jr.’s performance, “Tropic Thunder” is at times brilliant and downright cruel.

On one hand, it’s Hollywood excess at its best, a mega-budget blockbuster with the best cast money can buy, matched by an audacious script and an off-kilter premise.

On the other, it’s a mean, manic product of the Perez Hilton era.

Here’s my advice:

See “Tropic Thunder” for the foibles of the rich and famous — not all the stereotypically fat, black, Asian and mentally challenged people that the movie so ludicrously mocks.

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Photo courtesy of MovieWeb.com.

Make ‘em laugh: “Tropic Thunder” aims for funny bones, gag reflexes 

Now that “Tropic Thunder” has opened in theaters, questions about the goofy war movie spoof are flying like fur.

Is “Tropic Thunder” a clever satire of Hollywood types? An offensive slur on African Americans and people with developmental disabilities?

Most importantly, will “Tropic Thunder” wallop “The Dark Knight” at the box office?

“Tropic Thunder” is the latest in a long line of boundary-pushing comedies — most of which rake in huge returns. They’re rude, crude and frequently raw.

So why are gross-out gurus like the Farrelly Brothers, Judd Apatow, Kevin Smith and “South Park” creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone so successful?

Without further ado, I bring you “The Six Habits of Highly Disgusting People.”

UNLEASH YOUR INNER 8-YEAR-OLD

Locked inside each and everyone of us is a second-grader who still giggles at poop jokes. While some filmmakers rely on clever wordplay and plot twists to get their point across, these guys gleefully plumb the gutters for gags about diarrhea and dogs biting people in the crotch. And guess what? It’s still funny.

BE A POTTY MOUTH

Like it or not, swear words get our attention. That’s why you’ll see F-bombs and detailed descriptions of various sex acts floating through many an obscene comedy. Extra points if you get a little old lady, a minority character with a funny accent, or beloved game show host Bob Barker to utter your filth.

GET ‘EM TALKING

It took moviegoers and news anchors buzzing about Cameron Diaz’s hair gel faux pas to make “There’s Something About Mary” the sleeper hit of 1998. The same goes for Ben Stiller’s cat-milking scene in “Meet the Parents.”

MIX SASS WITH SWEETNESS

Look past the porn jokes, perversity and painful nerdiness of “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” and you’ll find a man searching for romance in a harsh world. Apatow in particular excels at mixing bro humor with touching themes of love and male friendship.

WHEN IN DOUBT, SING

As the “South Park” guys know, there’s something endearing about characters launching into song: whether it’s a cheerful tune about trapping animals (”Cannibal! The Musical”) or “Everybody’s Got AIDS” (”Team America: World Police”).

CONTROVERSY, CONTROVERSY, CONTROVERSY

Few things heat up a theatrical run like boycotts and angry protesters.

You could cast Alanis Morissette as God (”Dogma”) or give moviegoers an unsolicited look at Satan’s love affair with Saddam Hussein (”South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut”).

Or you can go the “Tropic Thunder” route and load up on jokes about self-centered actors willing to break every social taboo to bring home Oscar gold. Works (nearly) every time.

What’s it all about?

They say you can never go home again.

They apparently never saw “Garden State.”

Andrew Largeman, or, “Large” as he’s known, has spent his entire adult in a drug-induced daze.

When he’s called home from Hollywood to attend his mother’s funeral, however, Large (Zach Braff) decides to ween himself off pills. New Jersey does the rest.

As he reconnects with friends (Peter Sarsgaard), spars with his distant dad (Ian Holm) and encounters an enchantingly odd girl (Natalie Portman), Large rediscovers the confusion, pain and rapture of being human.

Braff and Portman make endearing leads in this winsome film, which has just enough gentle quirkiness to keep “Garden State” from growing sugary.

If you’ve seen and liked Braff in NBC’s “Scrubs,” check out his more mature side in “Garden State.” If “Scrubs” annoys the hell out of you, this movie might have enough wry observations and indie tunes to win you over.

“Garden State” screens tonight at 7 and 9:15 p.m. at The Palm Theatre, 817 Palm St. in San Luis Obispo.

Tickets are $7.50.

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Mark your calendars for a free screening of “Surf’s Up” this Saturday in Atascadero.

An animated tale about surfing penguins, “Surf’s Up” came on the crest of a wave of penguin-related movies — “March of the Penguins,” “Madagascar,” “Happy Feet,” to name a few.

With great visuals and a winning storyline, however, it’s safe to say that “Surf’s Up” is the best of the bunch.

Shia LaBeouf lends his voice to Cody Maverick, a stoke-loving penguin who dreams of becoming a surf legend like his hero, Big Z.

Leaving the Arctic, he travels to Hawaii to compete in the Penguin World Surfing Championship alongside with goofball Chicken Joe (Jon Heder) and Tank, a pumped-up jock (Diedrich Bader) .

“Surf’s Up” is presented documentary-style, which makes for some behind-the-scenes fun when we watch the surfers flub interviews or Tank slobber over his trophies.

We also see plenty of cute baby penguins and fearsome sea life.

But the true draw of “Surf’s Up” is its spot-on voice casting. Jeff Bridges taps into his mellow “Big Lebowski” past to portray a laidback surf legend gone to seed.

“Surf’s Up” will be shown 8:15 p.m. Saturday at Sunken Gardens Park, 6500 Palma Ave. in Atascadero.

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There’s a Central Coast connection to “Surf’s Up.”

Dana Belben, who provides the voice of Cody’s mom, also worked as a script coordinator and backgrounds manager on the film. She graduated from San Luis Obispo High School in 1995.

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Photos courtesy of MovieWeb.com.

Look out! It’s another disgruntled critic!

Now that I’ve shared my opinion of “Pineapple Express,” it’s time for the stars to speak out.

James Franco and Seth Rogen shared their thoughts about stoner antics, on-screen violence and smoking pot on camera with McClatchy Interactive.

And wait, there’s more!

Here, Alan Rickman talks about the indie comedy “Bottle Shock”. Filmed in the Napa Valley, the film follows a real-life wine shop owner who pitted California’s wines against the best from France in 1976.

British soccer star-turned-actor Vinnie Jones fell in love with motorcycles while filming the hog-heavy “Hell Ride.”

Finally, “Seinfeld” star Jason Alexander considers running for congress.

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All audio courtesy of McClatchy Interactive.

I remember the first time I tried Red Bull.

I sipped. Shivered. Quivered with a caffeine high. Then I realized just how terrible it tasted.

Nevertheless, energy drinks have become a beverage industry giant, pulling in more than $5 billion a year.

These days, they come with sleek silver “bullet-cans” with eye-ball melting colors and outrageous names like Cocaine, Xtazy and Pimp Juice. They have weird ingredients like guarana and taurine. And they still, in my opinion, taste pretty awful.

That’s why I’m turning to a new beverage: Powerthirst.

“Sound the alarm! You’re going to be uncomfortably energetic.”

This faux ad for Powerthirst features a hyper-aggressive announcer hawking flavors like Schockolate and Rawberry and Schockolate. Who wouldn’t love an energy drink that turns your babies into Kenyan sprinters?

You’ll want to use your headphones for this one. It’s loud, raw and has one stray F-bomb for the unwary.

Dude, where’s my movie?

I’m inventing a new phrase, friends and neighbors. It’s called “trailer betrayal.”

Trailer betrayal is the sad state of affairs that occurs when a movie trailer promises things the film itself cannot possibly deliver. Hilarious gags. Fantastic action sequences. Thrilling climaxes.

When you watch the movie, however, the dialogue falls flat, the plot limps by, and the fight scenes are cheesy, boring and overdrawn. Rest assured, moviegoers. All the best jokes are in that two-and-a-half-minute reel.

The trailer for “Pineapple Express,” the latest from super-producer Judd Apatow, falls into the same group.

If you believe the hype, Seth Rogen and James Franco are the funniest stoner duo since Cheech and Chong and “Pineapple Express” is a comedic masterpiece — a slick, smart yukfest undercut with constant laughs and great tunes.

The movie looks good. Almost too good. And there’s a reason for that.

In reality, “Pineapple Express” is an confused mishmash of stoner comedy and action thriller. Torn between oddball humor, high times and violent he-man posturing, it never quite gets off the ground.

Stoner comedies, such as “Half Baked” and “Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle,” succeed when they’re silly. Really silly.

Some of the best scenes in “Pineapple Express” rely on that time-honored formula and shine.

Not suprisingly, Rogen and Franco (reunited for the first time since “Freaks and Geeks”) have an easy chemistry as a pot-smoking process server and his equally clueless dealer.

Between frequent tokes, they go on weed-fueled flights of fancy, suffer from pot-flavored paranoia and occasionally remember they’re on the run from murderous gangsters. Watching the duo freaking out in the forest or engaged in a brutal fight with a pudgy suburban drug dealer (Danny McBride) are almost worth the price of admission.

Other scenes feel straight out of a ’70s blaxploitation movie, or an ’80s action flick. (If drug czar Gary Cole and bad cop Rosie Perez were in those movies, in fact, they’d be bumping tonsils for a full five minutes instead of merely trading saucy looks.)

There are memorable lines, laugh-out-loud sight gags and lots of bro love — enough to make some of my fellow moviegoers squirm in their seats.

Any time “Pineapple Express” really gets rocking, however, an errant twist or needless subplot mars the flow.

The movie also fails to utilize some of its strongest talent. One glimpse at Bill Hader’s stoned Army private or thugs Kevin Corrigan and Craig Robinson (Darryl from “The Office”) and it’s clear that they deserve more screen time.

It could be that “Pineapple Express” is brilliant, and I’m not nearly high enough to see it.

But with a confusing plot, uneven humor and some uncomfortably vicious scenes, I think there’s a better explanation.

Screenwriters Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg are simply one toke over the line.

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Photo courtesy of MovieWeb.com.