She Likes to Watch

Just say no to remakes of “Plan 9,” “Rocky Horror Picture Show”

In this age of rampant remakes and repeat sequels, it seems that there’s nothing sacred anymore.

Moviedom’s morons have put a 21st century spin on “Death Race 2000,” “Omega Man,” “Journey to the Center of the Earth,” even “Rollerball” (with inline skates, natch).

Hollywood’s redux of “The Day The Earth Stood Still” comes out in theaters Dec. 12. Revamping one of science fiction’s coolest classics? With Keanu Reeves?!? C’mon, guys!

Meanwhile, there are plans to remake “Plan 9 From Outer Space” and “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”. Good gravy! There’s no way any modern version could ever match those hilarious kitschfests.

It’s enough to make a cinephile scream. Many do.

The world of sequels is no better, with second, third or fourth editions of “Transformers” and “The Fast and the Furious” in the works. (Okay, I’m actually looking forward to “Tron 2.”)

My favorite nerdporium, io9.com, has compiled a list of movie sequels that should never be made — starting with the long-rumored “Blade Runner 2″ Electric Boogaloo.” Personally, if anyone tries to make “12 Monkeys, Part Deux,” I’m going to write my congressman.

Makeup’s “first family” gets star on Hollywood Walk of Fame

They set trends. They created the standard for Hollywood glamor. They elevated movie makeup to an art-form.

In fact, the Westmore family — led by patriarch George Westmore and his six sons — made makeup a vital part of Hollywood.

Today, as descendants Michael and Marvin Westmore unveil the 2,370th star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, at least one Central Coast resident will be celebrating.

June Westmore of Pismo Beach is related to the family by marriage. She wed her friend and mentor, Montigue “Monte” Westmore, in 1994.

Westmore’s past work skews toward the science fiction genre, with film and television credits including “Outbreak,” “Sphere,” “Artificial Intelligence: A.I.” and “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” She’s been nominated for five Emmy Awards for her work on such shows as “Star Trek: The Next Generation,” “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine” and “Enterprise.”

Nowadays, she specializes in bridal makeup via her company, The Finishing Touch. She also offers a 12-week course on professional makeup artistry.

***

The Westmores’ legacy is significant.
According to a Walk of Fame spokeswoman, George Westmore opened the very first make-up department at Selig Studios in 1917.

His sons — Monte, Ern, Perc, Wally, Bud and Frank — created signature looks for many of cinema’s stars, including Rudolph Valentino, Elizabeth Taylor, Bette Davis and Audrey Hepburn. They even helped design the Barbie doll, the spokeswoman said.

In 1931, Ern Westmore became the first person to receive a special Academy Award for makeup, for the historic epic “Cimarron.”

Monte turned Vivien Leigh’s hazel eyes green in “Gone With the Wind.” Bud gained fame with his work on “The Creature from the Black Lagoon” and “The Munsters,” while Frank netted the family’s first Emmy Award for TV’s “Kung Fu.”

Raising the standard for the third generation is Monte’s son, Michael. He’s won an Oscar for 1986’s “Mask,” as well as nine Emmys.

Read my list: From “Condorman” to  “Raiders of the Last Ark”

I love lists.

It may the last vestiges of a Type A personality or a tiny twinge of obsessive-compulsive disorder, but I’ve always found the making and reading of lists rather enjoyable. There’s something comforting about being able to organize movies or circus performers or dried beans into different compartments.

It’s order in a disorderly world. Structure in the face of chaos.

Naturally, I tend to take my love of lists a bit too far and clog my Mozilla Bookmarks with all sorts of random crap. Why, I almost have to make a to-do list to tackle it all!

Here, in a vain attempt at fall cleaning, are a number of movie-related lists. Enjoy.

***

Time Out London has the skinny on cinema’s lamest superheroes, including Disney’s Condorman, Howard the Duck and that guy from “Unbreakable.”

My favorite failure, sadly not included on this list, is “Puma Man” — a whiny, wimpy white guy who has cat-like abilities (like a puma) and flies (unlike a puma). Rent the “Mystery Science Theater 3000″ version and chuckle over Donald Pleasence’s pronunciation.

***

Maxim magazine lists the most abused action heroes in movie history, from Clark Kent in “Superman II” to Jesus in “The Passion of the Christ.” Dr. Jeffrey Manko, a New York-based medical consultant, assesses the damage.

Since this is, indeed, Maxim, there’s a fair amount of swear words and general crudeness. Consider yourself warned.

***

Science fiction’s fake accents get a thorough tongue lashing by io9.com, which lists the genre’s most ear-piercing fakes.

While Brits and Australians tend to do a fair job of mimicking American voices (case in point: Scotland’s Kevin McKidd in “Journeyman”), their relatives on the other side of the pond are simply terrible. Canadians and Yanks apparently have no idea what the English or the Irish sound like — and they’re perfectly willing to mangle every syllable.

***

Meanwhile, Brandon Nolta of CriticsRant.com has a bone to pick with the screenwriters responsible for bad movie dialogue.

He only mentions five movies here, but the Good Lord knows the list could go on and on.

***

And finally, in honor of Hat Friday, here’s a list of awesome hat movies.

In my opinion, Indiana Jones’ battered fedora will always be the coolest hat in cinematic history. Of course, just donning a topper is a sign of personal style.

Love. Laugh. Wear a hat.

“Total Recall,” “Rent” and the Found Footage Festival are among this week’s events

It’s a busy week for movies.

With “Choke,” “Eagle Eye” and “Miracle at St. Anna” all hitting theaters on Friday and a slew of movie events planned locally, I’ll probably find myself scurrying from screening to screening like a demented mongoose. I say, “Why scurry alone?”

Here’s the rundown for upcoming Central Coast movie screenings:

San Luis Obispo’s Palm Theatre starts the party tonight with “Total Recall.”

The year is 2084, and construction worker Douglas Quaid (Arnold Schwarzenegger) keeps having vivid dreams about Mars.

He approaches Rekall, a company that sends its customers on mental vacations by implanting fake memories, and buys an “ego trip” package: a harmless fantasy about life as a spy. It works.

In fact, it works a little too well.

When the Rekall doctors dredge up actual memories, Quaid discovers that his job and his marriage to sexy Sharon Stone is a hoax. He’s actually a Martian secret agent dedicated to taking down Martian dictator Cohaagen. And he’s in big, big trouble.

“Total Recall” couldn’t be farther from its inspiration, Philip K. Dick’s “We Can Remember It For You Wholesale,” but it’s campy, violent fun nonetheless.

“Total Recall” screens at 7 p.m. and 9:15 p.m. tonight at The Palm Theatre, 817 Palm St. Tickets are $7.50.

***

Tonight and Friday, HopeDance Magazine sponsors two screenings of “The World According to Monsanto.”

A French documentary by independent filmmaker Marie-Monique Robin, “Monsanto” takes a penetrating look at the American biotech giant that provides much of the world’s genetically engineered corn, soybean and cotton seeds. The film is subtitled “From Agent Orange to Genetically Modified Crops.”

“The World According to Monsanto” will be shown at 7 p.m. Wednesday, following an hour-long potluck, at Dancing Deer Farm, 2975 Vineyard Rd. in Templeton. You can also attend an outdoor nighttime screening Friday at Nature’s Touch, 107 Seventh St. in Templeton.

A $5 donation is encouraged. Call 369-0203 for more information.

***

Long-running rock opera “Rent” may have closed on Broadway, but it’s back in theaters in two local screenings.

Jonathan Larson’s musical, based on Puccini’s iconic “La Boheme,” follow a group of starving artists looking for love and acceptance in New York City’s East Village. It won a Pulitzer prize and four Tony Awards in 1996, inspired a 2005 movie, and spent 12 years on the Great White Way, becoming one of Broadway’s longest running shows.

“Rent: Filmed Live on Broadway” will be shown today and Thursday at 7 p.m. at the Fremont theatre, 1025 Monterey St. in San Luis Obispo.

***

Quirky videos are the focus of the Found Footage Festival, Thursday night in San Luis Obispo.

Self-appointed curators Nick Prueher and Joe Pickett scour garage sales, thrift stores and Dumpsters across the nation for odd and hilarious videos.

They create an hour-plus program based on their finds — bizarre home movies, befuddling commercials, cable TV outtakes and more — and take the result on the road as the Found Footage Festival. This screening will be their only appearance in San Luis Obispo.

Some of this year’s highlights include a talent show called “Stairway to Stardom,” an instructional video for a terrifying cosmetic face mask, and exercise videos starring Mark Wahlberg, O.J. Simpson and rapping pregnant women.

Catch the festival at 7 p.m. tonight at The Palm Theatre. Tickets are $10.

***

On Friday, film noir meets pinor noir with Salisbury Vineyards in the Avila Valley.

Enjoy dinner, dessert and a private wine tasting as you watch a movie on the winery’s outdoor patio. This week’s selection is “His Kind of Woman,” starring Robert Mitchum and Jane Russell.

Admission is $50 for wine club members and $60 for non-members. That price includes a $10 voucher for beverages and a complimentary wine glass.

It all starts at 6:30 p.m. Friday at Salisbury Vineyards, 6985 Ontario Road in San Luis Obispo. Part of the proceeds benefit the San Luis Obispo International Film Festival.

The series continues next month with two film noir classics: “Double Indemnity” (Oct. 3) and “The Postman Always Rings Twice” (Oct. 10).

For reservations, call (805) 595-9463.

The mid-1990s: When dinosaurs roamed the earth

Kids love dinosaurs.

Kids love carnage.

So when Hollywood decided to make a movie based on Michael Crichton’s best-selling novel, it was pretty much a sure bet that kids (and their parents) would absolutely adore “Jurassic Park.”

The SLO Rewind series kicks off tonight with a special screening of “Jurassic Park.”

When a bio research company creates an amusement park populated with cloned dinosaurs, InGen CEO John Hammond(Richard Attenborough) brings in a trio of scientists to check out the new attraction.

At first the experts — paleontologist Alan Grant (Sam Neill), paleobotanist Ellie Satler (Laura Dern) and chaos theorist Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum) — are thrilled by the dino zoo, dubbed Jurassic Park. It’s a marvelous place, a treat for animal lovers and history buffs alike. But is it safe?

The scientists’ doubts find ground when a tropical storm hits and the park loses power. Suddenly, the adults — and Hammond’s grandchildren — find themselves at the mercy of wild prehistoric critters in a modern playground.

An instant classic when it was released in 1993, “Jurassic Park” is a fast-paced theme park ride with plenty of creature features, jumpy moments and what were, for the time, groundbreaking special effects. The movie may have aged some, given advances in technology, but it remains solid entertainment.

“Jurassic Park” plays tonight at 7:30 p.m. at the Fremont theater, 1025 Monterey St. in San Luis Obispo.

Doors open at 7 p.m., but I’d advise moviegoers to get there early. Even this vast ’40s-era movie palace has a tendency to fill up quickly when there’s a good flick.

Tickets are $7.50.

*Never let it be said that dinosaurs are dumb animals. These clever carnivores eat the lawyer and Newman from “Seinfeld,” but let the nice kids and adults escape. (Oops! Was that a plot spoiler?!?)

***

Meanwhile, could a fourth “Jurassic Park” movie be in the works?

In May, Laura Dern told TV Guide magazine that the fourth installment in the dino-centric series “is happening.”

“It isn’t just speculation,” she said in a much-quoted interview. “It’s a while away, but my understanding is it’s happening and my character is very involved. I know (director) Steven Spielberg is looking forward to getting it together over the next year.”

Making another “Jurassic Park” movie would be difficult following the death of special effects wizard Stan Winston in June. And it’s unsure whether movie producers could snag the original cast, now that they’re all busy pursuing their separate careers. (Okay, maybe not Jeff Goldblum. His “Raines” TV series was dismal.)

Neill skipped “The Lost World” but appeared in “Jurassic Park 3.” Would he be up for another adventure? That’s anyone’s guess.

***

The SLO Rewind series continues next month with the following films:

• “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” (Oct. 14)
• “Space Balls” (Oct. 28)
• “Independence Day” (Nov. 18)
• “Ghostbusters” (Dec. 2)
• “Starship Troopers” (Jan. 27)