Need Stoke? 
There’s Surf Everywhere — Even In The Waves Off Of Chicago
After a real crummy week, I was in dire need of The Stoke. So I was elated Friday evening to get what was perhaps the biggest stoke of the year.
At A-Beach in Morro Bay, it was sunny, the water was actually warm (comparatively, anyway), and there were decent sized waves (for May). What a way to kick off the weekend.
Of course, the weekend is now over, as we face the prospect of five more work days. But I want to keep The Stoke in the forefront. So I thought I’d explore ways other people find surf. If nothing else, it reminds me how lucky we are to live on the ocean.
Let’s start off with dynamite surfing. I know some people get a real bang out of surfing, but this is ridiculous.
Now some skeptics said, no, this guy didn’t really catch waves caused by dynamite. And I suspect these are the same naysayers who say a guy didn’t actually get towed in by a great white shark, which I referenced on my last blog entry.
And to those doubting Thomases — those know-it-alls who love to dispel everything fun – I’d have to say this: Well, okay. You’re probably right.
But glacier surfing actually is real. In fact, several news outlets have done stories about it.
Of course, you don’t have to live near glaciers to surf. You just need a river. Or you need to move to Chicago. Sure, you might wind up with a few icicles in your beard in the winter, when the waves are best. But at least you’ll never have to worry about sharks. Just make sure you remember to record the Bears game first.
The longest waves, of course, are found in the wake of huge tankers in Texas. Some say you can ride 15 minutes on a tanker wave, which to me almost sounds like too much standing around. And if you miss the first tanker, the lull could be long until the next one comes around.
Me? I’ll probably stick to Morro Bay for now. I’m just not into explosives. And while the water is indeed a bit chilly here, I usually can still feel my face afterward.
Photo: From “Step into Liquid”
Posted on May 19th, 2008 by Pat
Filed under: Surf stuff | No Comments »
Whadduya know? After seemingly infinite wind and chilly temps, it’s finally decided to become California again. And the lack of wind is creating glassy conditions conducive to The Stoke.
Of course, I wouldn’t suggest you trunk it in the water just yet. KSBY did a good job recently explaining why the water has been especially cold this year. Water temps are typically in the mid-50s this time of year, but they have been in the high 40s and low 50s.
So don’t blame your old wet suit just yet.
According to meteorologist Dave Hovde, the cold water is a result of the wind, which has basically been kicking up the cold water from below. As the weather warms and the wind settles, we’ll be getting more glassy conditions. Of course, warm temperatures and calm water usually leads to red tide, which makes some of us (i.e., me) sick. But, hey, I’ll take red tide over sharks any day, though they are apparently vulnerable to that Three Stooges move, where Moe pokes Larry in the eye.
Speaking of sharks, have you seen the video where a dude gets towed in by a great white? Yeah, yeah — it’s bogus. I know. But it’s still fun. And who knows – someone like Laird Hamilton might actually try something like that some day.
Personally, I still get a little nervous whenever I see a dolphin in the water.
Posted on May 16th, 2008 by Pat
Filed under: Surf stuff | 1 Comment »
From the Michael Richards Incident to George Carlin’s Day in Court, Here’s My Top Five Comic Moments
Not only do I still remember the first comedy show I saw in person — Steven Wright, 1987 –I can actually remember some of the jokes he told. (One of my favorites: “The other day I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he’s gone.”)
If you’re a comic, you’re lucky if someone will remember a joke or a bit 20 years from now. But some — and I’m thinking Michael Richards here — will be remembered for something not so funny.
Continuing yesterday’s blog entry, here are my top five most memorable stand-up comic moments. I should warn you ahead of time, though — the Carlin and Michael Richards links contain some pretty salty language.
5.) Lenny Bruce Is Not Afraid
In his autobiography, “How to Talk Dirty and Influence People,” Bruce wrote, “The police visit me occasionally.”
Which, of course, was an understatement. Bruce – the man “Time” once called “the sickest of them all” – was arrested numerous times for obscenity over the years. But a 1964 show at Cafe Au Go Go in Greenwich Village, which included jokes about Eleanor Roosevelt’s breasts and sex with chickens, would kick off his most difficult legal battle.
At Bruce’s trial, several celebrities offered support, but the court was unimpressed, saying Bruce “appealed to prurient interest,” was “patently offensive to the average person in the community,” and lacked “redeeming social importance.”
Bruce appealed his conviction and sentence – four months in a work house – but before his appeal was heard, he died of an accidental overdose, in 1966.
In 2003, Bruce was posthumously pardoned by Gov. George Pataki.
4.) Kramer Goes Crazy
After he was heckled while doing standup at the Laugh Factory in L.A., Michael Richards (a.k.a., Kramer from “Seinfeld”) lost his cool, unleashing a tirade laden with the N-word and references to lynching. The performance, recorded on a cell phone camera, eventually found its way on the Internet, leading Richards to humbly seek forgiveness from African-American leaders.
Later, he sought “spiritual guidance” with a monk in Cambodia and told the L.A. Times he had retired from standup.
“That night, when I was insulted and disrupted, I lost my heart,” he told the Times. “I lost my sense of humor.”
3.) Pryor Has Left the Building
By 1967, Pryor had garnered a national reputation. But as he stood on the stage at the Aladdin Hotel in Las Vegas, everything felt wrong.
“What the f—- am I doing here?” he shouted as he walked off, mid-act.
While Pryor had achieved success, he had done so with safe, mainstream humor. And, as he wrote in his autobiography, “There was a world of junkies and winos and pool hustlers and prostitutes . . . screaming inside my head, trying to be heard. The longer I kept them bottled up, the harder they tried to escape.”
After that, Pryor revamped his act to better reflect his background, conveying the African-American experience like none other.
2.) Mr. Carlin Goes to Washington
When a man driving with his son heard Carlin’s “Filthy Words” bit on the radio in Pacifica, CA, it set off a chain of events that would lead to a crucial Supreme Court decision about the limits of free speech on the airwaves.
The driver reported the routine to the FCC, which then contacted the radio station that aired the bit from Carlin’s album Occupation: Foole
Called the Seven Dirty Words Case, FCC v. Pacifica Foundation (1978) established indecency regulation for radio and television.
“Broadcasts extend into the privacy of the home,” the Court wrote, concluding radio and TV were “uniquely accessible to children.”
The 5-4 ruling sided with the FCC.
Contrary to popular belief, Carlin’s famous seven words are not regularly heard on TV today.
1.) Andy Kaufman’s Punchline
A fan of wrestling as a child, the mysterious comic concocted a zany idea: He would become a wrestling villain himself.
First he wrestled women. Then he challenged a top male wrestler, Jerry Lawler, to a duel. After a lopsided match that supposedly left Kaufman in a neck brace, the two were scheduled to appear on “Late Night with David Letterman” in 1982.
The plan called for Kaufman to sing “What the World Needs Now,” according to the Orlando Sentinel. But Kaufman, who hated that idea, called Lawler in his hotel and suggested they get into a fight on the show.
“Go for it and hit me hard,” he told Lawler.
Letterman interviewed the two, who began to argue. Then Lawler stood up and slapped Kaufman hard. Kaufman fell backward as Letterman sat stunned. For years, people speculated whether the event was staged.
Kaufman would die two year later, but it would be another decade before a TV special revealed it was all a hoax.
Posted on May 15th, 2008 by Pat
Filed under: Comedians | 1 Comment »
Steve Martin, Stephen Colbert and a Guy with a Guitar Begin the Top Ten List
My wife was looking at Steve Martin’s book, “Shopgirl,” at the Barnes & Noble in Santa Barbara a few years back when a man walked behind her and said, “I hear that’s a really good book.”
When we turned around, there was Steve Martin.
“OH MY GOD!” said Candi, who, I should add, had grown up idolizing Martin.
She had even memorized every line from “The Three Amigos.”
“But you don’t have to buy it,” Martin said.
Needless to say, it was a memorable moment for us.
As the Clark Center gets ready to host the Second City Touring Company in Arroyo Grande this weekend, I’ve been thinking about comedians and their most memorable moments.
Not all of these moments are good ones, of course. But they clearly stand out. So I’ve compiled the Top Ten Most Memorable Comedian Moments. Today we’ll do 10 through six. We’ll do the final five tomorrow.
10.) Roseanne Barr Strikes Out
When the blue collar comic screeched her way through the “Star Spangled Banner” during a Reds-Padres game in 1990, fans booed and grimaced. And when she grabbed her crotch and pretended to spit afterward – imitating baseball players – many were aghast.
President George H.W. Bush said, “It was disgraceful.” The San Diego Union-Tribune headline the next day read, “The Fat Lady Sings (Poorly).”
Nearly 18 years later Barr still says the incident hurt her career. In a mock obituary on her web site, she wrote, “Barr’s legacy as a feminist intellectual was destroyed forever with her pre-Borat rendition of the ‘Star Spangled Banner.’”
9.) Steve Martin Walks Like an Egyptian
When the famous boy king’s tomb and artifacts toured the U.S. in 1978, Americans had Tut fever. Martin tapped into the fervor with a song about the fallen pharaoh.
The tune, which he later claimed took 15 minutes to write, included silly lyrics like: “Buried with a donkey, he’s my favorite honky” and “Dancing by the Nile, the ladies love his style.”
While his trademark physical comedy bolstered the song’s appeal on stage, the single – featuring the Toot Uncommons backup band — fared well, selling over a million copies.
8.) Comedian Bashes Heckler
After a heckler continued to needle comic Kenny Moore in Bossier City, LA, the singing comic responded with a hard comeback – he smashed a guitar over the heckler’s head. (Warning: There’s violence and harsh language in that clip.) This, of course, violated the number one rule in dealing with hecklers: Don’t lose your cool.
It’s no surprise that no one’s heard much from Moore since the braining.
7.) Chappelle Goes the Distance
After walking out on a $50 million TV deal in 2006 and fleeing to South Africa, some began to question Chappelle’s sanity. A year later, the edgy Chappelle came back in a big way, giving a six-hour performance at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles.
He was hospitalized for exhaustion a few months later.
Still, Chappelle would go on to break his own record by five minutes. But Dane Cook would then break that with a seven-hour performance in January, 2008. Not to be outdone, Canada’s Big Daddy Tazz gave an eight-hour show in Winnipeg a couple of months later.
6.) Colbert Accomplished
Normally, the comedians who perform at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner offer friendly jabs at the Commander-in-Chief. But Stephen Colbert’s stinging monologue in April, 2006 shocked everyone in attendance – including President George W. Bush.
“He stands for things,” Colbert said, feigning support, as his TV persona does. “Not only for things, he stands on things – things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently-flooded city squares. And that sends a message that no matter what happens to America, she will respond with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.”
By the time Colbert was finished, Bush aides said, the president was “ready to blow.”
Conservatives said the performance was disrespectful. Liberals, who felt the media had been soft on Bush, called Colbert a hero.
Photo: Comedy Central
Posted on May 14th, 2008 by Pat
Filed under: Comedians | No Comments »
Top Ten Songs With Cow Bell
My wife says whenever she hears a song with a cow bell in it, she has to pee.
I’m not sure what Pavlov would have to say about that. But one thing’s certain: If we go on long trips, we avoid listening to “We’re an American Band.”
The Grand Funk Railroad song is, of course, famous for its drum intro, featuring generous cow bell licks. I’m not sure who first used the cow bell in a song (presumably a drumming farmer), but the cow bell can add wonders to a song.
You can see for yourself when Grand Funk (That’s them at the top) appears at the Mid-State Fair July 31. In honor of Grand Funk’s arrival here, I’ve decided to put forth my list of top ten songs with cow bell in them.
The critera for this list isn’t terribly complex. First of all, the song has to have cow bell in it. But it can’t just be an aside — the cow bell has to ring loudly and proudly. Finally, it has to be a good song.
10. Funky Cold Medina, Ton Loc. There’s not just one, but TWO cow bells in this one. So it has to make the list.
9. Gold Dust Woman, Fleetwood Mac. Proving that even slower songs can benefit from cow bell.
8. Hair of the Dog, Nazareth. Any song that starts out with just drums and cow bell is a good one, as far as I’m concerned. I’ll also lump “Mississippi Queen” by Mountain and “We’re an American Band” in here.
7. Funk #49, James Gang. You’re already enjoying this wild ride of a song when — badda bing — a drum and cow bell interlude breaks out. Lovely.
6. Frankenstein, Edgar Winter. There’s not a whole lot of cow bell in this weird song, but when you hear it, during the drum solos, it’s perfect. I never knew two people played the drum solo until I saw this video — I just thought the drummer was a machine.
5. Got to Give it Up, Marvin Gaye. There’s percussion (a.k.a., “cow bell”) throughout this one. And it’s such a feel-good, party mood song.
4. Down on the Corner, Creedence Clearwater Revival. Check out the video for this. It’s like a jug band or something. You can hear the cow bell, but mysteriously, you can’t see it, which leads to one obvious conclusion: Magic cow bell.
3. Drive My Car, Beatles. The Beatles actually have a few good cow bell songs. Another good one: “Everybody’s Got Something to Hide Except for Me and My Monkey.”
2. Evil Ways, Santana. Now this is a cow bell-friendly group. Santana songs always have lots of percussion, and they’re not afraid to unleash the CB.
1. Honky Tonk Women, The Rolling Stones. Probably the most famous use of cow bell in a song — and it’s the Stones. Gotta be #1.
Tribune cow photo: Joe Johnston
Posted on May 13th, 2008 by Pat
Filed under: Music | 4 Comments »
Old Or Not, The Rolling Stones Rock in New Scorsese Movie
When I saw the Rolling Stones in concert, there were a lot of jokes about them being the geezers of rock and roll, who’d probably need walkers onstage and so on and so forth.
That was 19 years ago.
Mick Jagger was 46, which now seems pretty young in retrospect. Because now the Stones are well into the AARP demographic. In fact, the baby of the group, Ron Wood, is 60. Their oldest, Charlie Watts, will be 67 in three weeks.
But you know what? These guys still rock.
And I don’t mean they rock like you’d expect old guys to rock. The Stones — arguably the best live band ever (only challenged by the Who and Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band) — still outperform any band out there. This is nicely demonstrated in the Martin Scorsese movie, “Shine a Light,” playing at the Palm.
While some bands do get tiresome after many years, others — like Springsteen — hone their act and actually get better.
Wrinkles? Gray hair? So what.
“Shine a Light” chronicles a Stones show at a small theater in New York. In between footage of the show, Scorsese shows us some nice vintage clips. In one black and white clip, a reporter asks a young Mick Jagger if he could see himself doing this at age 60.
Jagger doesn’t hesitate to answer: “Oh, absolutely,” he says, inviting applause from movie crowds of the future.
Even at 64, Jagger’s energy onstage is not only very natural, it’s mesmerizing. When Jack White joins the Stones on stage for a song, you can’t help but feel he’s way out of his league — because he is.
Buddy Guy, however, does shine in his guest spot because he knows how to play off the Stones and vice versa.
Scorsese used 10 cameras to film this, so the viewer is treated to all sorts of interesting angles. (At times, you can actually see fillings on the backsides of Jagger’s teeth.) The song selection is refreshing because mixed in with the standards are some deep cuts you rarely heard on the radio.
But best of all, after all these years, the Stones are still cool. Just watch Keith Richards drop to his knees while massaging a guitar solo. Get a load of the sly interplay between Richards, Ron Wood and Buddy Guy. And, of course, there’s Jagger’s kinetic dancing, which at times seems silly – until you realize it’s oh so right.
If the Stones acted like old men, they would be lame has-beens. Fortunately, inside their old bodies live the same young men who started rocking over 40 years ago.
Posted on May 12th, 2008 by Pat
Filed under: Movies, Music | 1 Comment »
Garth Brooks And Michael Jordan Tried Baseball; Master P Tried the NBA. All Three Failed.
Okay, so yesterday I talked a little about celebrities who venture into the world of professional sports. Here’s my top ten list:
10.) Marvin Gaye. Since I already mentioned it, I’ll start out with the Motown legend. According to the “American Masters” special about him on PBS, Gaye’s embarrassment over his father’s cross dressing gave him something to prove. So in the early 70s, he tried out for the Detroit Lions as a receiver. He was good – but not good enough to make the team. He did remain friends with two Lions, Mel Farr and Lem Barney, who sang backing vocals on “What’s Going On.”
9.) Bruce Hornsby. Hornsby is reportedly a pretty good basketball player. But he made his only pro sports appearance as a member of the Anaheim Angles in 1997. During a spring training game, he appeared as a pinch runner for Kevin Bass. Later, in exchange for getting to work out with the team, he had Angels’ pitcher Mark Langston provide the background snapping track for a song.
8.) Billy Crystal. A die-hard baseball fan, Crystal garnered a lot of attention this spring after taking an at-bat for the Yankees. At 60, he’s probably a little slower than he once was, though he did manage to foul off a pitch before whiffing against Pirate pitcher Paul Maholm.
7.) Kevin Costner. Costner has played several professional athletes in movies. But the film version is much better than the real version. In 1999, while playing an exhibition game with Cal State Fullerton against the Angels, he went 0-for-3 at the plate and dropped a pop fly in the field that led to the winning run. While playing against the Seattle Mariners for the minor league San Bernardino Inland Empire 66ers in 2002, he was 0-for-3 at the plate and made an error at short. Later that game he pitched, walking Seattle manager Lou Pinella, who, at 58, inserted himself into the game.
6.) Michael Jordan. Yeah, I know – Jordan was a professional athlete. And a very good one. But when he announced he was going to try professional baseball after abruptly retiring from the NBA, some people asked: Why? After some lackluster games with the White Sox in spring training, he played outfield for the minor league Birmingham Barons in 1994. He did hit three homeruns, and showed some great speed (He had 30 stolen bases). But he only batted .202. Not especially bad for a guy who hadn’t played baseball in over a decade. But not good enough for the bigs. Eventually MJ returned to hoops top win three more championships.
5.) Tom Selleck. The 6-4 Selleck actually had a basketball scholarship at USC. But it was baseball that gave him a shot at the glory. Selleck had actually hit balls out of the park during batting practice with three teams – and he once beat Jordan in a celebrity home run hitting contest. But his actual spring training at-bat in 1991 was less successful.
Reds pitcher Tim Layana had been instructed to through some heat at Selleck, batting for the Tigers. But the Reds catcher tipped Selleck off as to what Layana was going to throw. Even with that edge, after fouling off a couple of pitches, Selleck struck out.
4.) Garth Brooks. Brooks played baseball in high school, but high school ball and major league ball are not the same. In a charity move, Brooks played for three different teams in 1999 (Padres), 2000 (Mets) and 2004 (Royals). But Brooks (seen in the photo above) found that hit records came much easier than hits. After going 0-for-18 with the Padres, he got his first hit — a hard one up the middle — against White Sox pitcher Mike Sirotka.
“He might write a song about it,” said Sirotka, not a fan of country music, afterward, “but I’ll probably never hear it.”
In his three seasons, Brooks was a combined 2-for-42 at the plate.
3.) Kurt Russell. After his success as a teen Disney star, Russell decided he wanted to be a pro baseball player instead. Luckily, his dad owned a minor league club in the Angels organization. Russell spent most of his time on the bench. But when he finally got a start, he had a breakthrough game – with four hits and several RBI. Unfortunately, he tore his rotator cuff the next night, ending his short sports career.
2.) Master P. In 1998 – the same year “Forbes” declared him on of the richest entertainers in the world – the rapper decided to give basketball a go. At one time, the 6-4 music mogul had been set to play college ball. But an injury forced him to focus on music. (Good thing for him.) Still, he showed some skills during his NBA tryouts, once scoring eight points in an exhibition game against the Toronto Raptors. He had pre-season contracts with both Charlotte and Toronto, but he wound up getting cut by both.
His son, though, might have a better shot. The former Lil’ Romeo – now just Romeo — recently signed on to play hoops for USC. The rapper, considered one of the top high school point guards in the nation, once said his goal was to make the NBA.
1.) George Plimpton. No doubt who gets the #1 slot here. Sports writer Plimpton was the everyman who tried it all: He sparred with Archie Moore and Sugar Ray Robinson. He played in a preseason game for the Baltimore Colts. He pitched in an All-Star game. He played golf, hockey and tennis with the experts. And he milked it. Practically every experience led to a book.
Posted on May 9th, 2008 by Pat
Filed under: The World According to Pat | 1 Comment »
Against Real Fighters, Stallone Got Clocked
When Sylvester Stallone entered the ring with heavyweight champ Joe Frazier, he learned the hard way that celebrities have no business dabbling in professional sports.
Frazier, who was trying out for “Rocky III,” cut Stallone’s eye within 30 seconds of their sparring match.
“You think that you play the role long enough, and you assume, ‘Oh, I can compete with a professional,’” Stallone told professional wrestler MVP in an interview on the WWE’s Web site. But Frazier’s blow – resulting in four stitches — set him straight. “I couldn’t believe it. My fantasy was completely destroyed that you can last more than however long it takes a professional athlete to actually get to you. That’s how long you last in the ring. That’s how long it takes.”
Stallone would get whupped a couple more times, once by Ernie Shavers and then by Roberto Duran, before deciding to cast Mr. T. — still tough, but not boxing legend tough.
My recent blog about Marvin Gaye – and cohort Sarah Linn’s subsequent comment – got me thinking about celebrities who dive into big time sports.
On the one hand, they attract scorn because 1.) They’re usually not worthy and 2.) Regular Joe’s don’t get to do it, so why should they? On the other hand, it is fun to vicariously watch a non-professional compete at the pro level.
With that in mind, I’ve compiled a top ten list of celebrities who delve into pro sports. Check out tomorrow’s blog entry for the list.
I will give you one teaser, though: Don’t pick Kevin Costner for your city league softball team.
Posted on May 8th, 2008 by Pat
Filed under: The World According to Pat | No Comments »
Joni Mitchell’s Classic Strikes a Chord
Well, I guess there’s some irony that Joni Mitchell and Mitchell Park share a name.
SLO residents opposed to the city putting a parking lot in the downtown park have been posting signs declaring “Don’t Pave Paradise,” a reference to Mitchell’s 1970 classic song, “Big Yellow Taxi.”
The song gets to the point with its first line: “They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.” Later in the tune, Mitchell sings, “They took all the trees and put ‘em in a tree museum. And they charged the people a dollar and a half just to see ‘em.”
Mitchell was inspired to write the song after seeing a large parking lot in Hawaii. In 1996, she told the L.A. Times: I wrote “Big Yellow Taxi” on my first trip to Hawaii. I took a taxi to the hotel and when I woke up the next morning, I threw back the curtains and saw these beautiful green mountains in the distance. Then, I looked down and there was a parking lot as far as the eye could see, and it broke my heart . . . this blight on paradise. That’s when I sat down and wrote the song. When it first came out, it was a regional hit in Hawaii because people there realized their paradise was being chewed up. It took 20 years for that song to sink in to people most other places in the country. That is a powerful little song because there have been cases in a couple of cities of parking lots being torn up and turned into parks because of it.The line about the trees in the museum supposedly refers to the Foster Botanical Garden in Honolulu, which houses many rare and tropical plants endangered by humans.With the City Council’s vote in favor of the parking lot, I’d expect to hear more of this song around Mitchell Park in the days to come.
Posted on May 7th, 2008 by Pat
Filed under: Music | 2 Comments »
Marvin Gaye the Subject of PBS Special
Marvin Gaye’s breakthrough album “What’s Going On” – consistently ranked one of the top ten albums of all time – almost didn’t happen.
Barry Gordy, the head of Motown, thought the socially conscious album threatened to hamper Gaye’s sex appeal. And Gaye’s sex appeal sold records.
Fortunately, Motown relented, and Gaye’s album not only changed the direction of some Motown artists (Stevie Wonder was no doubt influenced), but it changed the course of soul. Now R&B, mostly limited to party music before then, could be just as political as 60s folk.
Sadly, the “Trouble Man” led a troubled life, fueled in part by drug addiction. And in 1984, he was shot to death by his father, a religious zealot with a habit of wearing women’s clothing.
Gaye’s career and life are the subject of a 1-hour documentary on the PBS series “American Masters” Wednesday night. I just got a review copy so I haven’t had a chance to view it. But it looks like a thorough presentation with interviews from several of Gaye’s friends, relatives and fellow musicians. And, best of all, the documentary promises to have archival interviews of Gaye, along with live performances.
A little Gaye trivia: Before he put out “What’s Going On?” Gaye tried out for the Detroit Lions. He did well, but he didn’t make the team. Still, he remained friends with some of the Lions, two of which sang backing vocals on “What’s Going On.”
Photo: Jim Britt/Michael Ochs Archives/Getty Images
Posted on May 5th, 2008 by Pat
Filed under: Music | 1 Comment »
