Sidetracked

As the primaries kick into gear, there’s much debate over who’s best suited to lead our country.

Some people say it’s time for a woman president. Others say it’s time for an African-American president.

Me? I say it’s high time we had a president with facial hair.

You bald-faced naysayers can scoff at me all you want — in fact, you can even rub your smooth, baby-butt chins while doing it. But I’m not backing down on this one.

Before you label me a hair-brained quack, consider this: The United States has not had a mustached Commander-in-Chief since William Howard Taft in 1912.

Howard Taft, people!

Sad thing is, it’s not just us. In fact, the entire world seems to have a bias against leaders with facial hair.

Making matters worse, the prospects of having a hairy-faced president in the next election don’t look the least bit promising – unless David Letterman decides to drop his hat in the ring.

What’s wrong with our political system?

Ok, I’ll admit, I’m sort’ve biased on this matter. When I was a kid, I used to make these fake mustaches that I’d wear around the neighborhood, saying something really silly, like: “Hey, look, I have a mustache!” Except that I couldn’t really fool anybody since I was, like, eight years old and walking around with a mustache.

Not too many eight-year-olds have mustaches, you know. I mean, you have those wolf boys that live in Mexico, but they don’t really count, if you ask me.

When I was a seventh grader, there was this kid – I’ll call him Mel since that was his name — who had a mustache and a beard, and he was sort of my hero for a while, right up there with Reggie Jackson and the San Diego Chicken.

Now that I’m a mustached, quasi-bearded adult like Mel, I feel that every man ought to have facial hair at some point in his life. In fact, in some cases, I think it’s highly advisable. I mean, seriously, now that Paul McCartney’s face is getting a little saggy, I see no reason why he shouldn’t go back to his White Album days.

But the great thing about facial hair, I think, is the versatility. A guy with facial hair has so many options, after all.

Despite all that hair can offer, our leaders continue their quest to keep our national government hair-free. Only five presidents have sported beards – despite the great example set by Abe Lincoln.

Al Gore – who won the popular vote by a hair in 2000 – gave us hope
for a short time. But now we’re faced with a pool of stubble-free candidates, and I just don’t like it.

If you ask me, I say we need a pro-growth candidate, a leader who doesn’t shy away from hairy situations.

So please support me in my new write-in campaign.

Vote Mel in 2008.

–Pat P.

Posted on January 3rd, 2008 by Pat
Filed under: The World According to Pat