By now, you’ve heard that the music industry is suing the U.S. government for copyright infringement, saying the Gov has to pay royalties for songs they used as torture at Guantanamo Bay.
A while back, Mother Jones posted a list of those songs, which included admittedly torturous tunes by Metallica, Eminem and Celine Dion. The idea is this: You subject prisoners to 14 straight hours of, say, the “Barney” theme, and they’ll cough up everything they know. In fact, they’ll probably even cough up things they don’t know, like, for instance, where leprechauns live.
Of course, I was horrified to see some actual good songs on the list. If someone blared Prince’s “Raspberry Beret” at me for 14 hours, I’d be like: “Could you turn it up, please? I LOVE this one!”
Anyway, this whole “Guantanamo’s Greatest Hits” thing got me thinking about what songs actually torture me on a regular basis. Here’s my (worst) top ten:
10.) “Invisible,” Clay Aiken
How did this guy become a celebrity? And the crazy thing is, even though he has no business being a celebrity, he has celebrity attitude. I could’ve added any number of “American Idol” winners/losers here, but Aiken is the most grating.
9.) “There for Me,” Josh Groban
I first heard Groban doing Christmas music, and it just about drove me insane. It’s like the worst, most overdone theatre music you could imagine.
8.) “Vindicated,” Dashboard Confessional
If Beavis and Butthead were still around, they could call these guys a bunch of wusses. Because, really — they’re a bunch of wusses. Any emo band could have filled this spot, but DC wins the honor.
7.) “Elmo’s Song,” Elmo.
It’s not as bad as the Barney songs, but still — Elmo can really get on my nerves. The worst torture would entail being forced to endure repeated showings of “Elmo in Grouchland.”
6.) “I Will Always Love You,” Whitney Houston
I think I’ve already heard this song more times than the Gitmo prisoners heard Neil Diamond’s “America.” Plus, I think we can blame this song for paving the way for Celine Dion.
5.) “Take a Chance On Me,” ABBA
My vision of hell is being strapped to a gurney and being forced to listen to nothing but ABBA and its offspring, Ace of Base, for eternity.
4.) “Figured You Out,” Nickelback
The song starts out with the horrible lyrics: “I like your pants around your feet/I like the dirt that’s on your knees.” Very literary, eh? Bob Dylan would be proud. And if that wasn’t enough, the melody is tragically bad.
3.) “Cars,” Gary Numan
Is this really a song? Seriously, this sounds like a mistake someone caught on tape.
2.) “Rollin,” Limp Bizkit
This is what happens when the music industry caters to the interests of 13-year-old boys who lock themselves in their rooms and punch their pillows.
1.) “Girls, Girls, Girls,” Motley Crue
It’s just not fair that awful bands like Crue become rich and famous. I’d rather hear someone sandblast their car all day than hear this song once.
Posted on July 22nd, 2008 by Pat
Filed under: Music
I nominate “Nookie” by Limp Bizkit as a possible substitute for No. 2.
I remember listening to the song when it first came out, and kind of liking it, but repeated broadcasts on alternative rock radio stations made me grow to loath it. Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, POD, Alien Ant Farm, etc., really overstayed their welcome at a certain point in the late ’90s and early ’00s.
I have to defend ABBA, though. Some of their songs are quite catchy — fun, silly, danceable numbers in the best tradition of bubblegum pop.
Leave ABBA alone!!!! (sob sob)
Okay, I just watched the linked video for “There For Me,” and that song is AWFUL!! Awwwwfulllll.
I feel like I’m going to gag up little rainbow marshmellows if I listen to another second of it. Yuck!
Yes, “There For Me” is pretty painful. But, really — can you honestly say that “Take a Chance On Me” is much better?
I agree with most of your list. And being married to you means I already knew that list from eleven years of hearing you talk about what songs you hate. But you forgot to mention that you endured Dashboard Confessional opening for Weezer in Concord a few years ago. I was ready to confess to terrorism by the time Weezer came out.
And I was oh so sad at realizing how ollllld I had become. I played hacky sack with the guys from Weezer in 1993 when they opened for Lush at a bar in Cincinnati–my friends and I were stalking them out back to see if we could meet them….now I have back problems and think hacky sack is stupid anyway. I’m sure the Weezer dudes don’t play much anymore either.
But it was nice of you not to include the Cure or Depeche Mode or Pet Shop Boys on the list. But, people, I torture Pat with those as much as I can get away with.
Oh shoot — did I foget the Cure? Hmmmm. I might need to edit.
Um, The Cure an Depeche Mode, are like…awesome. SO they can in no way make this list.
And I just want to mention that your comment about “boys who lock themselves in their room and punch their pillows…” made me laugh until I gagged.
Barney.
Big, banal dinosaur.
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