Sidetracked

Egads — my Obama mask is suffocating me.

Don’t mask makers know that people have to breathe?

Anyway, if you read this week’s Ticket, you hopefully saw our cover story on monster grudge matches. Because, really — it’s important for you to know if the Blob can kick Jabba the Hut’s butt. (He can, by the way.)

While we had some good pairings there, we didn’t have space to declare an ultimate winner. So I’m taking the story a step further here and putting forth the Monster Mash Tournament, where I pit the winners against each other. So let’s start with:

ROUND TWO:

* Chucky v. the Munsters. Herman Munster has about six feet on Chucky, but the little bugger cheats when he disguises himself as Eddie Munster and opens a can of Whoop — well . . . you know.

Winner: Chucky

* Moby Dick v. The Blob.

The Blob easily handled the lower seeded Jabba the Hut in the opening round and has equally little problem with the shark from Jaws. Despite Moby’s intellect and size, though, the Blob just keeps getting bigger and bigger (He’s been known, after all, to consume diners and bowling alleys.). In fact, friends politely suggest he go on a diet, but he tells them he just loves food. 

Winner: Blob

* Jack the Ripper vs. Cujo.

Man usually doesn’t fare well against killer animals. But this is Jack the Ripper — the guy has tools. Cujo starts out strong, but in the end, Jack lops off his tail, which causes Cujo to go insane when he tries to chase his tail.

* Vampires and zombies vs. Monster of Piedras Blancas.

The Monster pulled off a huge upset when he defeated the Creature from the Black Lagoon in Round One. In fact, some say it was rigged. So he goes down easily to vamps and zombies, who tied in the first round and forged a Coalition of the Undead.

Winner: Zombie/vampire duo

ROUND THREE: 

* Chucky v. the Blob.

It doesn’t matter how often Chucky stabs the Blob — he’s the Blob. He swallows Chucky and doesn’t even notice because he’s too busy swallowing Poukeepsie, NY.

Winner: Blob

* Jack the Ripper v. Vampires and zombies.

Jack’s a bad dude and all, but no mere mortal can resist the evil of vampires and zombies.  Except after he dies, Jack becomes a zombie and joins the team.

CHAMPIONSHIP

* Blob v. Vampires, zombies and Jack the Ripper zombie

By this time, the Blob has grown to huge proportions, and, frankly, it makes it hard to climb stairs without getting winded. Meanwhile, the vampire/zombie/Jack team has been working hard on expanding their own base. Plus, they rented “Beware! The Blob” on Netflix, so they know all you have to do is freeze the Blob and he’s useless. So they rent a snow machine. After the victory, they all celebrate by hosting a snow boarding party. 

Winner: Vampires/zombies/Jack

Wow. That was fun. If you’ve decided you just can’t get enough grudge match, check out the campaign ad Grudge Match between me and Danny, this other guy I work with. While Danny implies (wrongly, I should add) that I’m a terrorist, my provocative video sheds light on Danny’s nefarious ways.

And, finally, Bruce Springsteen has given us a Halloween treat — a free Halloween song, “Jersey Devil.” It’s a wicked blues number with a video that sort of recalls Robert DeNiro’s Max Cady from “Cape Fear.”

Posted on October 31st, 2008 by Pat
Filed under: The World According to Pat